Age Appropriateness & Personal Style

Sorry for the blog absence this week....we were on vacation and then once we got back the inevitable combination of backlogged work plus my own self-imposed (and must be completed right now) projects shoved the blog to the back burner.  Now I'm back with more ruminations on being feminine and appropriate in our clothing choices as we age.

My last post was on aging gracefully and I am all for accepting the years and experiences (and wrinkles ) accumulated as we get older. Over the past year, I've been on a journey to define my own sense of style and then purposely direct that style in a manner that suits both this current period of life (late 30's) and the years to come.  I found a very inspirational blog last year in which a woman and her husband sold the large home in which they'd raised 3 boys and downsized to a tiny cottage.  Her blog illustrated how she streamlined her life by getting rid of all excess "stuff" and how this simplified life was so much more appropos to who she really was and how she wanted to live her life.  Her sense of style was also incredibly simple, classic and perfectly appropriate for her age.  I wanted to be this woman!  I wanted to have the house with no knick-knacks to dust or worry about breaking and the wardrobe pared down to the bare minimum.  She was ruthless with her closet purge, leaving herself only those items she absolutely loved, would wear often and fit into her personal definition of style.  I purged my closet, too...but was not nearly as ruthless partly because my own sense of style is still in development.  The main thing I've taken away from her blog is that she has perfectly defined her style and that style perfectly suits her age and station in life.  This tied directly into my desire to be both feminine and age-appropriate while trying to develop my own personal style.

Do you know what your personal style of dress even is?  It may change slightly over the course of your life, but you can usually pin it down to a few particulars.  What colors do you enjoy wearing and make you feel beautiful?  Do you enjoy more tailored clothing or loose peasant-style garments?  Are you a heels or flats girl?  Lots of statement jewelry or just a few small sentimental pieces?  All of these things, and more, play into your personal sense of style.  It's worthwhile to sit down and figure out what looks best on you and what you truly enjoy wearing.  Sometimes we wear things because they're fashionable, trendy, or suit an occasion - but they're not really our "style".  I have a pair of black 6" platform heels with spiked studs running down the heel and a bow on the vamp.  These shoes are not "my style"...however I loved them instantly, stalked them on Ebay and wear them occasionally.  I don't ever feel like myself when I wear them.  It's almost like I'm playing a part...the edgy New Yorker in the cool shoes and leather jacket.  Nothing wrong with dressing outside the box every now and then, or including a trendy piece or two, in your wardrobe. But be very careful of building your wardrobe around trendy pieces that will look dated and silly in a year or so.  It's best to spend the majority of your clothing budget on items that are true to your personal style and are relevant regardless of the fashion trends.

There are some items of clothing that are always classy and transcend age.  A perfectly fitted black pencil skirt will look great on a 22-year-old office worker and a 70-year-old grandmother going to church.  A dark rinse bootcut jean looks good on everyone - big, small, old or young.  A classic white button down shirt is a staple in most women's wardrobe.  These are items that will stand the test of time and you might consider putting some money into buying quality pieces if you plan to wear them for 10+ years.  It will be well worth it.  You can also find classic clothing that fits into your personal definition of style.  A very no-nonsense dresser will have no problem with a classic no-frills pencil skirt. However, those more romantically inclined might opt for one with a fishtail or ruffled kickpleat in the back. Still appropriate at any age, but just slightly modified to suit personal taste.

One thing to really consider as we get older it to be age-appropriate with our clothing.  I know that this greatly depends on how in-shape you are, how old your face looks, and many other factors including your job, lifestyle, etc. However, take a good hard look at what you are wearing and ask the opinions of others if you have any doubts about it.  I am well aware that there is a limited amount of years that I will be able to wear my sky-high studded heels.  There are just some styles that should be left to the teenagers or younger crowd.  Very low-rise jeans, high platform shoes, babydoll dresses, spaghetti strap/strapless sundresses, tanktops.  At a certain point, we older (or aging) women just look silly in these items.  They are no longer appropriate.  Even if your body can wear the styles, your face (no matter how well your skin has aged) will give you away.  As the years go by, spend some time evaluating your style and what makes you most comfortable and beautiful. Then throw away the items in your closet that don't fit that style and be calculating and ruthless when considering future purchases.  You'll end up with a smaller, but more workable, wardrobe and project effortless femininity and age appropriateness at the same time.

**The shoes pictured are my spiked heels...Vince Camuto Jamma, in case you were wondering.**

Aging Gracefully

As I sit here today, my back is killing me and my legs are sore.  Ten years ago, a bit of wallpaper hanging until after midnight would not have caused me to gobble down several Advil and lie down in the afternoon for a nap.  My 36-year old body, although not old per se, is definitely feeling the extra bending, shifting and constant up-and-down movements from last night.  It's times like these that I feel the years creeping up on me.  I'm healthy and relatively trim; most days my body and I function together like a well-oiled machine. And then, there are days like today.  Or how about the times I get off the couch after sitting for long periods of time and my body protests, just a bit, from stiffness.  I'm becoming that person who groans or grunts quietly when getting up after prolonged periods of time.  Maybe I should start scoping out the rooms in the local retirement home.

In all honestly, our bodies are aging from the time we are conceived.  For some women this is a huge deal.  They are forever "29", fight wrinkles like Armageddon has arrived, visit the plastic surgeon every now and then for a bit of work and cover every gray hair as soon as it appears.  I have never been one of those women.  Ask me my age and I'll proudly tell you; there's nothing to hide.  If you look closely, you can see the fine lines starting to form around my eyes.  I have sunspots on the backs of my hands.  My daughter even told me I had gray hair, but after a bit of research we discovered it was just the light picking up the blond strands mixed in with the brown (whew...thank goodness!).  These things don't really bother me.  I don't think they should be a source of dread or worry for any woman.

I'm not advocating laying out in the sun so that by the time you're 40 your skin looks like leather.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't use eye cream for those fine lines or slather on the sunblock to keep sun spots at bay. What I am saying is that those things are signs of a life well-lived and maybe it's time to be thankful for and embrace them. I talk about "embracing" things a lot, I know. But so often, we as women, focus so hard on changing things, camoflauging flaws, or meeting other people's ideas of beauty and femininity, that we fail to appreciate what we already have. 

So, how will I age gracefully?  I will use my eye cream at night, but not worry about the fine lines because they come from 36 years of laughing and smiling.  I will try to be better at applying sunscreen, but remember that the sunspot on my face is from riding with the sunroof open and music blaring; the spots on my arms from spending time with family and friends at the beach/pool.  Great times and wonderful memories.  I will not be ashamed of my stretch marks or slightly saggy boobs when I look in the mirror because they were given to me by the best two children a woman could ask for.  All of these things, and more, make me look my age.  Yet I would much rather have had the experiences and memories that caused those signs of aging than give them up for a perfect complexion or body. 

I think true beauty (and femininity) can be found by rejoicing in what you've lived through and embracing the memories - and maybe the scars - that came along the way.

A Proper Foundation for Feminine Attire

Isn't that just a fancy-schmancy title?  Today I'll be discussing feminine and appropriate undergarments.  Hopefully, in a tasteful and helpful way.  The words used in this post will probably make my blog come up during some very weird (read: kinky) google searches, but oh well....someone has to write about it!

The world of women's undergarments has changed drastically over the course of centuries.  It's hard for me to imagine wearing a full chemise, petticoat and corset on a day like today when the heat index is over 100 degrees....and to think that when they wore all those undergarments, there was no such thing as air conditioning or oscillating fans!  As much as I'd enjoy wearing a corset (just for the experience...and maybe to attain a smaller waist), I'll pass on it during the summer, thank you very much. Women of that era had no choice if they wanted to be considered feminine and appropriate. I'm thankful that in the 21st century we have a bit more choice in what we wear underneath!

I believe every woman should have some utilitarian undergarments and then some fancy ones.  And I'm not talking about the kind of fancy ones you only break out at night for your significant other.  There's something about showing the world your outside (jeans, a tshirt, and ballet flats), yet all the while knowing that underneath your casual exterior you're sporting fire-engine red lacy panties.  It's like a secret pick-me-up for those days when you are feeling less than beautiful.  You can find beautiful undergarments in all shapes and sizes.  Invest in one nice bra/panty set and see how it makes you feel when you put it on, when you glance in the mirror and when you see yourself throughout the day.  You might be surprised at how feminine you feel even if the outward appearance is covered in spit-up, food stains or paint!

Underwear - Did you know that underwear comes in all shapes and sizes?  And there's nothing wrong with any of those shapes and/or sizes?  Do you think that women who wear thongs are floozies?  Do you thing that full-size briefs are only made out of cotton or polyester and only worn by women over the age of 65?  Some of us can be underwear snobs. Do you know why all the different cuts of underwear exist? They exist for women's comfort (a full-size brief is always going to be more comfortable than a thong), for appropriateness (sometimes a thong is the only way to go if you want to avoid visible panty line), and for fun (see the fire-engine red lacy panties in the above paragraph).  I think a women should own some of each. 

Comfort

A woman's level of underwear comfort varies from person to person.  Can you be comfortable in a full-cut brief? Yes.  Can you be comfortable in a low-rise hiphugger cut?  Yes.  Can you be comfortable in a thong. Sometimes.  You need some underwear that you can ride horses in, bend over to clean your kitchen cabinets in, and wear comfortably on your period (just keeping it real here).  These are your comfort undies.  They're usually stretchy and soft. They don't ride up and give you a wedgy.  Just because I say comfortable does not mean I endorse old "holey" underwear.  When it starts to wear out, get a new pair.  No woman feels feminine dressed in worn out, "holey" underwear!

Appropriateness

You also need some underwear that keeps your outfits appropriate.  These are your middle-of-the-road panties.  They may be comfortable, they may not. They may be fun, they may not. But either way, these are necessary.  Nude underwear is a must for light colored bottoms.  A thong may be required under than pencil skirt.  Boy-cut or hiphugger are great for not promoting muffin-top.  You might have to buy a special pair to wear with that one jersey dress that shows VPL (visible panty line) with every other pair of underwear you own.  Make sure that you have some panties that help your outer clothing look appropriate and don't draw attention to yourself.  A final note on this subject - thongs are not evil, they don't always feel like you have floss stuck up your rear and they actually work in the majority of VPL situations.  You may hate them and refuse to wear them....but don't say "never" until you try.  It takes a bit of getting-used-to, but the usefulness far outweighs the discomfort for some of us.

Fun

You need some fun panties that will spice up your life.  Bikinis with teddy bears on them?  If it makes you laugh, go for it.  Black lace with ribbon?  More power to you.  Buy something that makes you feel special, pretty and feminine....and then actually wear it.  I dare you!

Bras - If you read my series on body shapes, I made the point several times that you need to have a professional bra fitting and then invest in bras specifically for your body type.  If you are a DD cup, those pretty lacy bras with no support may be appropriate for the bedroom, but they will look ridiculous underneath a t-shirt.  Bigger busts require support - make sure you're supporting yours properly.  Smaller busted women might enjoy push-up padding; just make sure that you're not so "padded" that it looks unnatural.  You need some workhorse bras in your wardrobe. Those everyday bras that aren't necessarily sexy, but they get the job done and do it right.  Again, buy yourself a nude bra and wear it under your white or light-colored tops.  Racerback bras are great for tank tops, dresses that cut in at the shoulders and some halter tops.  If you have specialty tops or dresses that show your bra strap no matter how hard you try, buy a strapless bra.  No, they're not comfortable, but they're appropriate.  Then when you have several workhorse bras, buy one or two that just make you feel pretty and special.  Wear them on special occasions, or underneath your plain everyday T-shirt.  But always make sure, whether functional or fun, that your bra fits and fits well.  Handwashing helps your bra last longer and keep its shape (however, I'm too lazy for that, so all mine go in the wash...and have to be replaced every 2 years or so due to stretching).

Slips - You need a slip.  Make it a half-slip, a full slip, or petti-pants - but every woman needs a slip.  They help clothing lay smoothly, skim over lumps and bumps and keep people from being able to see through your clothes.  This is something I've never splurged on.  A half-slip usually serves just fine for my needs and it's probably been 5 years since I bought the one I have; however, it's nude (goes underneath anything) and functional and serves its purpose for now.  My new pettipants (mentioned in a previous post) have been a God-send this summer for keeping my legs cool and dry.  Unless you enjoy wearing them for the sake of feeling beautiful (and there are some gorgeous silk and lace slips out there), you don't need an arsenal of slips....but do invest in one or two.

I thought about adding a section on girdles.  Just a brief note. The girdles of today are a far cry from the corsets and contraptions of yore.  Spanx has an entire catalog of lightweight, breathable foundation garments that I'd love to try if I had the money.  There's nothing that will make you feel thinner, stand straighter and smooth over lumps and bumps like a foundation garment.  They can nip in your waist, boost your bust, smooth your thighs, pad your butt and do a million other things.  Just make sure when buying your foundation garments that they appear seamless underneath your clothing.  You don't want people to know you're wearing them. 

And how does all this apply to the pursuit of femininity?  Think about it. Men don't wear panties, don't wear bras, don't need slips.  These are uniquely feminine garments. Designed specifically for women with our special shapes and needs in mind.  It's hard to say that about any other article of clothing (even Scottish men wear skirts!).  Embrace these items made specifically for us. Experiment with what types work for your body, what colors look best against your skin, what workhouse item you need to make that dress fit "just so".  And then revel in the feeling of femininity that you get when you wear them!

Thoughts on contentment and chasing dreams

I don't know how much this actually has to do with the pursuit of femininity, but it's what is on my heart today; and since this is a personal blog meant to help me (along with others), I'm just going to put it all out there. It helps to have a place to get things out of my head and down in print where I can go back later and reflect on them.  So, if you're here just for fashion tips, then feel free to skip this post.


**Random soapbox rant (feel free to skip this part if you're not theologically inclined).  In my quiet time this morning, I was reading in Jeremiah - the passage about the potter and the clay.  This got me thinking about the preaching I heard for the first 25 years of my life.  Things along the lines of  "Don't put yourself on the shelf!" or "If you step outside the will of God, he will no longer use you and He'll put you on a shelf until such time as you repent."  This seems ludicrous to me.  As a believer in a sovereign God - a God who chooses the clay, molds it himself for whatever purpose he so desires (some to honor and some to dishonor), and uses the clay for his own glory - I find it strange to say that we (the vessels) have the power to jump off the potter's wheel and sit idly by outside the will of the Potter.  We can do NOTHING outside of the Potter's will.  We are just lumps of clay.  My sin doesn't render me unusable to God, otherwise (logically), my sin would then be greater than God's will and purpose.  And I certainly don't have the power to shelve myself until such time as I decide to repent and be "used" again.  God is so far greater than my sin.  Anyway, just my theological opinion - not trying to open a can of worms here.**

So, back to my original topic.  And a little background.  Recently I got a "wild hair" and decided to redo my kitchen.  Now, mind you, my kitchen is only 3 years old and is beautiful the way it is.  No, it's not a designer kitchen, but it has always been my favorite room in the house.  It's huge and with 6 windows it gets a lot of natural light.  So, what's not to love?  Well, I honestly have no idea - but, hankering for some change in my life, I decided it could be better and started looking.  The internet is a very dangerous place for those of us inclined to want something different!  My husband came home from work one day to find paint samples splotched all over the walls, the curtains came down next and my kitchen counterop paraphenalia was removed.  After repeated trips to Sherwin Williams, $25 worth of paint samples (I now have 4 colors splotched on every wall in my kitchen), beadboard cut to measurements from Lowes, a gazillion more paint samples taped over my walls, and no curtains on my windows I am now left with a totally bizarre-looking kitchen that HAS to be repainted at the very least.  I've spent hours and hours on the laptop, looking at kitchens, comparing their cabinet color/paint color with mine, bemoaning the contracter-installed countertops that we didn't get to pick out, trying to decide on curtains, virtually "painting" rooms on websites....while my house sits uncleaned, my kids do their own thing, and I barely speak to my husband in the evenings.  I think about it while laying in bed, while driving, while working.  Yes, call me obsessive - ir runs in the family!  And what, you ask, does all of this have to do with contentment and dreams?

Here's the thing - we (or maybe just "I") tend to get so caught up in chasing our dreams and looking for change, that we overlook or seriously underestimate the value of being content with what we already have.  We want a house in the mountains one day.  I could spend years looking for that perfect house, on the perfect mountain; and then concentrate on ways to make it happen financially. And that's all well and good. We'll be actively pursuing this dream in the next 5 years. But at the same time, it would be so easy to get so caught up in the dream of the mountain house that I fail to appreciate and enjoy the beautiful suburban home we have right now!  With this kitchen redo, I find myself pining for light-colored countertops, different kitchen cabinets, a wood range hood, beautiful natural beadboard and light airy curtains for all my windows.  Pinterest is a trap for the discontented among us!  The reality is that I have a $200 budget and a kitchen that is humongous...the paint alone will take up a good portion of my budget and now I'm forced to paint because of my samples-gone-mad spree of the past week.  As much as I WANT new countertops, it's just not going to happen.  There are way more pressing financial needs (and my husband's patience for redecorating only stretches so far....and that's not far).  I need to be content and work with the countertops we already have.  Same with the cabinets, the furniture and the fixtures.  Maybe one day I'll have the freedom to change those things - and then again, maybe I won't. But instead of wasting my time on chasing the future, I'm going to try to be content with the present. 

In closing, there's nothing wrong with chasing dreams.  We all have them and strive to achieve them in different ways. Don't stop pursuing those dreams - just don't lose sight of the beauty that you already have in the pursuit of something better in the future. 

photo courtesy of: http://awarenessoftheheart.com/2011/08/04/chasing-dreams/

Random thoughts on hair (or the lack of it)

So, the quintessential idea of feminity in hair is this....long, flowing locks.  We are conditioned as little girls watching Disney movies that princesses are beautiful and have long, abundant, shiny hair! Probably at some point in your life you've dreamed of having long, beautiful Pantene hair. The hair that's shiny, slightly wavy, full of bounce.  Hair that causes men to come back for a second appreciative glance.  We buy the hair products, the highly-touted shampoos, the volumizing conditioners in attempts to reach hair nirvana.  Naturally curly-headed women seek to tame those curls or straighten them out.  Straight-haired women want curls or bounce (remember the perm?).  Our hair, and subsequently our hairstyle, says a lot about us.  You can usually tell by a womans hair if she is high maintenance or laid back.  A mom or a lawyer.  A religious adherent to long hair or a fashion-magazine-reading celebrity wannabe.  And some of us spend a good portion of our adult lives trying to find that one hairstyle that we love enough to keep forever.

I have been the teenage girl getting up at 5am to hotroll her hair EVERY MORNING before school; the girl who permed her hair for years in an attempt at volume and body, the woman who tried to cut her own hair 3 weeks before her wedding and had to get it cut into a short bob as a result of that attempt (no wedding updo here), the mom-on-the-go with the overgrown bob, the "cool" mom with the assymetrical bob (until someone said I looked like Kate Gosselin....that ended that hairstyle really quickly!), and a hundred styles inbetween.  Always searching, never satisfied.  Thinking the next big celebrity haircut, the next expensive product, the next razor cut style would give me what I wanted....perfect, feminine, classy hair. 

Can you be feminine without flowing hair that reaches your shoulders, back or waist?  Is your femininity tied up in how long or short you keep your hair?  Some men would answer with a resounding "yes"!  Since I believe that our femininity springs from the inside and not the outside, then I would have to disagree with most men.  You can be feminine with long hair, short hair, curly hair, straight hair, brunette hair....and you can be feminine with no hair.  But so often, the attractiveness we feel as women is tied to our hair.  The problem comes for those of us for whom the ideal of long flowing hair will never be reality outside of a wig.

My hair is very fine (it feels like a baby's hair), has very little natural body, and is also very thin.  You can see my scalp clearly where my hair parts and my scalp gets sunburned quite easily.  I also have a very nice, big cowlick on the back of my head at the crown that makes the hair swirl away and looks like a big bald spot (yes, Mom, I've asked the hairdresser repeatedly and it's not a bald spot, it's a cowlick).  For most of my life I have hated my hair and attempted to change it.  As I got older it got darker so I highlighted it or colored it blonde.  It's naturally frizzy so I put smoothing balm all over it resulting in excess oil (did I mention it's also naturally oily?).  I permed it to give it body and destroyed the natural texture.  I parted it on a different side to try to cover my cowlick.  Never satisfied, always changing. I literally got a new hairstyle almost every time I went to the salon and spent a fortune on highlights over the years.  All attempts to grow it back out (after the self-haircut debacle before my wedding), which were an effort to please my husband and his preference for long hair, resulted in limp, thin hair that didn't feel like me....and then I'd get it cut into a bob once again.  Until last year.  That was the end of my quest for long, wavy, blonde hair.  With my husband's grudging acceptance, I cut it off.....all the way off....as in a short pixie cut with my natural medium brown hair.  The horror!  Where did my femininity go?  Did I feel less like a "woman"?  No, actually after I got used to it, I felt like "me"....simple, streamlined, preppy, easy.  Like I wasn't struggling to overcome the fact that God didn't give me great hair.  It was freeing.  Most women think it's chic....most men probably hate it.  That's OK.  I'm working with what God gave me, to the best of my ability, and am finding contentment along the way.

Here are a few tips I've discovered throughout the years of my own, and others, hair struggles.

1.  Short hair doesn't have to be masculine hair.  I hesitate to recommend super short hair for women who eschew makeup and jewelry.  Unless you have pixie-type features, you'll need to primp a bit to offset the shortness of the haircut.   Short hair draws attention to your face and super-short hair even more so. Make sure that face looks nice.  For me, that necessitates at least a bit of makeup (hello, acne and scars) and I wear earrings 24-hours a day.  It's usually enough to offset the potential masculinity of my super-short hair.  Also, buy some sunglasses in a feminine shape.  Although I love the classic aviator sunglasses, with my hair I look more like Tom Cruise ala Top Gun instead of the chic woman I'm trying to be!

2.  Medium length hair needs to be trimmed - often.  Ladies think that if they get a chin or shoulder-length bob that life will be easy and haircare will be streamlined and that is the case....for a few weeks.  But that bob begins to lose it's perfect, swingy shape very quickly as it grows out. If you want that medium-length hair to appear fresh keep up with haircuts at regular intervals, depending on your own hair's rate of growth.

3.  Some women can't have nice looking long hair.  I'm sorry, but it's true.  Those of us with thin or fine hair have almost no chance of looking decent with very long hair.  It looks stringy and wispy after a while.  Women with extremely thick, course or wiry hair also have a hard time with long hair.  Be realistic about what God gave you and find a good hairdresser who knows the best way to cut/style your type of hair.  On a side note, these types of hairdressers are usually not found at the strip mall next to Kroger....but it also doesn't mean you have to pay $75 for a haircut. Shop around and get recommendations from ladies whose hair you admire.  Don't be too shy to ask someone who does her hair....she'll take it as a great compliment!

4.  Don't fight too hard against what God gave you.  Notice I said "too hard".  If you have gorgeous naturally curly hair, it's going to be a royal pain (or very expensive) to straighten it every single day for the next 20 years.  But it's awfully fun to do straight hair every now and then to freshen up your look, or for a special occasion.  If your hair is stick straight, curling it each and every day may be unreasonable....but for a special occasion, feel free to break out the hairspray and hot rollers.  The point is that if we continually fight against our hair, we can never accept it and learn to embrace it the way God made it!

Nothing super informative or thoughtful today.  I just hope that each of us, as women, know deep inside that whether our hair is thick or thin, blonde or brunette, curly or straight, or gone altogether we are no more or less feminine because of it's presence or style.

Body Image - Love it or Hate it!

Lately I've been thinking about body image - whether through my own struggles or talking with other women....and even the random comment made by my husband (Did you know men have fat days, too?).  We often tend to view body image in extremes. Either we love our body (or say we do) or we hate it (or say we do). You'll hear larger women proclaim that they have no problem with their heaviness and they want to embrace and own their larger-than-normal physique.  Other women cannot seem to be happy unless they are currently a size 4, on a diet to become a size 4, or are thinking/dreaming about wearing a size 4. 

How many of us can relate to feeling thin and on-top-of-the-world one day; only to wake up the next and feel fat?  Ever put on a pair of jeans and felt super in them and then the next time you slip them on you wonder what in the world possessed you to buy those jeans because you look like a whale?  Can you look at your abs (or lack thereof) in the mirror every single day and be 100% content with what you see?  I know I can't; and I'm willing to bet that even supermodels can't either.  Our body image fluctuates based on our moods, our hormones, the lighting in the dressing room, comments made by others, and sometimes its just all in our heads!

I have struggled with body image for years. It may be more accurate to say for the majority of my life since puberty.  I was the pudgy adolescent, who morphed into the average size teen/college kid, that got married and put on 15 pounds after birth control, who had 2 kids and never lost the weight and who eventually ended up at 32-years-old weighing more than my 6'3" husband.  Throughout all of that time - whether a size 6/8 in college or a size 16/18 in my 30's - I could not find contentment.  There were moments, regardless of size, when I felt truly beautiful and confident.  Then there were other times when I'd see a picture of myself and cringe inwardly - regardless of size.  There were months where I'd just say "To heck with it - I'm a size 14 and will own my size! No more dieting attempts for me. If you don't like me as a size 14, well then too bad for you!"  Then there were the inevitable times where I'd lay awake at night in tears wondering why I would ever want to be content weighing the same as I did when I was 9 months pregnant.  The majority of people in my life were never aware of this inward battle.  After all, who airs their body image demons for the world to see? Not this woman!  We dress ourselves as best we can, search for the newest diet that will help us lose a few pounds, and keep hoping that one day we'll reach a place where we can see ourselves in a mirror and not hate what we see.

Over 4 years ago, I decided on a whim to join a gym and see what happened.  In about 9 months, I lost 50 pounds, was back in a size 6/8 and felt great - for awhile.  But what I have come to realize over the past 4 years of trying to maintain that weight loss is that body image really has nothing to do with how big or small or in-shape you are. Sure, you may not struggle as much when you are smaller; but you still struggle.  The fear that you're losing control when you gain 5 pounds on vacation, the horror when you put on those jeans that fit last month and now they're tight, the picture someone takes at the beach and you realize there are still areas that need help - the body image problems are still there.   My size-8-self has fat days; just like my size-16-self did.  How annoying is that?  It's like I can't escape - because it's not so much based on my outward appearance as my inward attitude.  And so back to the drawing board I go, so to speak.  By the time I hit 35, I was so tired of the constant struggle with the way I viewed myself.

So, today I'm happy every day and love my body no matter what!  Right?  Oh, so very wrong :-)  But, as with my search for true femininity, I am finding little glimpes of contentment, extended periods of joy and with God's help, am slowly learning to embrace my body.  Just a few quick things that I've learned and God has been teaching me slowly about my body and how I view it:

1.  God made me and my body.  He gave me my genetic makeup - which includes my genetic predisposition toward heavy thighs, a small bust, severe acne and thin hair.  These are things that I cannot change.  No matter how much weight I lose, my upper/lower body will always be disproportionate.  No matter how clean I eat, dermatologists I visit, or creams I use my acne is here to stay.  I will never have long, luxurious, shiny hair no matter how hard I try.  God made me this way - in fact, he PLANNED me this way and he WANTED me this way.  Why should I whine, cry and fight against what He has done?  It's easy to like the way God made us when it fits into the societal definition of beauty; it's much harder to like the things he made that may not conform to that mold.  I am slowly coming to terms with my lower half by learning to dress it appropriately, my acne and scarring by buying better makeup and my hair by cutting it all off.  If God loves me enough to PLAN me this way (Ps 139), then it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - including myself.  I need to embrace and accept the things about myself that God chose for me and that I cannot change.

2.  I will never be 100% content with my body.  I wasn't when I was 50 pounds overweight and I'm not now.  The contentment ebbs and flows based on my feelings.  I could continue to try over and over to lose more weight, or be more fit, in that endless cycle of trying to reach a point of total peace with myself - or, I can give that lack of contentment over to God, live a healthy but normal lifestyle and take the ebbs and flows of my feelings as they come.  Today I feel thin.  It's based solely on the fact that I have on a new shirt and my daughter oohed and aahed over my outfit before I left the house.  Tomorrow, I may feel like a whale.  Same body, same weight - different feelings.  I'm learning that feelings are very over rated!

3.  Health is more important than weight.  I've done the weight loss, the 4:30am gym sessions, the spinning classes, the pilates.  I've had definable abs and rock hard calves.  I've also been guilty of the "I'm fitter and thinner than you because I don't eat gluten and I work out every day" attitude.  The constant attemps to be ever thinner, more fit, more trim, more toned - it gets old; at least it did for me.  I estimate that I weigh 10 pounds more than I did at my lowest weight during the summer of 2009.  However, I feel much more content with myself and my body now than I did then.  I no longer try to constantly achieve a smaller size, another defined muscle group, or another 20 pounds on the weight machine.  I've stopped competing with everyone else and myself.  I am trying to be healthy.  For me and my body, healthy is a size 8.  I don't have to TRY to maintain my size anymore.  My body is happy and most of the time (darn those illogical feelings that creep in sometimes) so am I. Healthy, for you, may be a size 12 - it may be a size 2.  There is nothing wrong with some "jiggly bits" on a healthy woman....in fact, it's very normal.  Sometimes in our quest to be a certain size or lose those last 10 pounds, we push out bodies past the point of health - both physically and mentally. 

4.  Positive body image does not mean being content to be obese.  I know I may be treading on toes here, so I will attempt to tread lightly.  I find it very harmful to hear a 350-pound woman say that she is "owning her body" and finds nothing wrong with her size/weight.  There comes a point where you delude yourself in thinking that you will just be content with being bigger.  There is a point where you cross over from being healthy (and maybe not your ideal size, but still healthy) to being overweight. It's not the same point for everyone.  If your health is affected, your quality of life is affected, your relationships are affected - it's time to ignore the voice in your head that says "Everything's fine - it's just a few pounds" and find help.  Loving our selves and our bodies does not preclude taking care of them in the best way possible. Carrying extra weight is not taking care of our bodies - but actually helping them deteriorate faster.  You may love yourself and be super confident with your larger size - if you can honestly say that, it's a great mental place to be. But mental acceptance and love will not be enough when your health fails due to weight-related illnesses.  I don't say this as the woman who's always been thin and fit.  I'm saying this as a woman who used to carry 50 extra pounds herself.

Ladies, I am not a fitness guru, but if you have questions I'd be happy to answer them publicly or privately.  I struggle just like everyone else with my weight, how I think and feel about myself and how I project those thoughts and feelings to others.  However, for now, I am finding joy in being a healthy and semi-active woman that may not be at her thinnest, but is most certainly at her happiest.