Body Image - Love it or Hate it!

Lately I've been thinking about body image - whether through my own struggles or talking with other women....and even the random comment made by my husband (Did you know men have fat days, too?).  We often tend to view body image in extremes. Either we love our body (or say we do) or we hate it (or say we do). You'll hear larger women proclaim that they have no problem with their heaviness and they want to embrace and own their larger-than-normal physique.  Other women cannot seem to be happy unless they are currently a size 4, on a diet to become a size 4, or are thinking/dreaming about wearing a size 4. 

How many of us can relate to feeling thin and on-top-of-the-world one day; only to wake up the next and feel fat?  Ever put on a pair of jeans and felt super in them and then the next time you slip them on you wonder what in the world possessed you to buy those jeans because you look like a whale?  Can you look at your abs (or lack thereof) in the mirror every single day and be 100% content with what you see?  I know I can't; and I'm willing to bet that even supermodels can't either.  Our body image fluctuates based on our moods, our hormones, the lighting in the dressing room, comments made by others, and sometimes its just all in our heads!

I have struggled with body image for years. It may be more accurate to say for the majority of my life since puberty.  I was the pudgy adolescent, who morphed into the average size teen/college kid, that got married and put on 15 pounds after birth control, who had 2 kids and never lost the weight and who eventually ended up at 32-years-old weighing more than my 6'3" husband.  Throughout all of that time - whether a size 6/8 in college or a size 16/18 in my 30's - I could not find contentment.  There were moments, regardless of size, when I felt truly beautiful and confident.  Then there were other times when I'd see a picture of myself and cringe inwardly - regardless of size.  There were months where I'd just say "To heck with it - I'm a size 14 and will own my size! No more dieting attempts for me. If you don't like me as a size 14, well then too bad for you!"  Then there were the inevitable times where I'd lay awake at night in tears wondering why I would ever want to be content weighing the same as I did when I was 9 months pregnant.  The majority of people in my life were never aware of this inward battle.  After all, who airs their body image demons for the world to see? Not this woman!  We dress ourselves as best we can, search for the newest diet that will help us lose a few pounds, and keep hoping that one day we'll reach a place where we can see ourselves in a mirror and not hate what we see.

Over 4 years ago, I decided on a whim to join a gym and see what happened.  In about 9 months, I lost 50 pounds, was back in a size 6/8 and felt great - for awhile.  But what I have come to realize over the past 4 years of trying to maintain that weight loss is that body image really has nothing to do with how big or small or in-shape you are. Sure, you may not struggle as much when you are smaller; but you still struggle.  The fear that you're losing control when you gain 5 pounds on vacation, the horror when you put on those jeans that fit last month and now they're tight, the picture someone takes at the beach and you realize there are still areas that need help - the body image problems are still there.   My size-8-self has fat days; just like my size-16-self did.  How annoying is that?  It's like I can't escape - because it's not so much based on my outward appearance as my inward attitude.  And so back to the drawing board I go, so to speak.  By the time I hit 35, I was so tired of the constant struggle with the way I viewed myself.

So, today I'm happy every day and love my body no matter what!  Right?  Oh, so very wrong :-)  But, as with my search for true femininity, I am finding little glimpes of contentment, extended periods of joy and with God's help, am slowly learning to embrace my body.  Just a few quick things that I've learned and God has been teaching me slowly about my body and how I view it:

1.  God made me and my body.  He gave me my genetic makeup - which includes my genetic predisposition toward heavy thighs, a small bust, severe acne and thin hair.  These are things that I cannot change.  No matter how much weight I lose, my upper/lower body will always be disproportionate.  No matter how clean I eat, dermatologists I visit, or creams I use my acne is here to stay.  I will never have long, luxurious, shiny hair no matter how hard I try.  God made me this way - in fact, he PLANNED me this way and he WANTED me this way.  Why should I whine, cry and fight against what He has done?  It's easy to like the way God made us when it fits into the societal definition of beauty; it's much harder to like the things he made that may not conform to that mold.  I am slowly coming to terms with my lower half by learning to dress it appropriately, my acne and scarring by buying better makeup and my hair by cutting it all off.  If God loves me enough to PLAN me this way (Ps 139), then it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - including myself.  I need to embrace and accept the things about myself that God chose for me and that I cannot change.

2.  I will never be 100% content with my body.  I wasn't when I was 50 pounds overweight and I'm not now.  The contentment ebbs and flows based on my feelings.  I could continue to try over and over to lose more weight, or be more fit, in that endless cycle of trying to reach a point of total peace with myself - or, I can give that lack of contentment over to God, live a healthy but normal lifestyle and take the ebbs and flows of my feelings as they come.  Today I feel thin.  It's based solely on the fact that I have on a new shirt and my daughter oohed and aahed over my outfit before I left the house.  Tomorrow, I may feel like a whale.  Same body, same weight - different feelings.  I'm learning that feelings are very over rated!

3.  Health is more important than weight.  I've done the weight loss, the 4:30am gym sessions, the spinning classes, the pilates.  I've had definable abs and rock hard calves.  I've also been guilty of the "I'm fitter and thinner than you because I don't eat gluten and I work out every day" attitude.  The constant attemps to be ever thinner, more fit, more trim, more toned - it gets old; at least it did for me.  I estimate that I weigh 10 pounds more than I did at my lowest weight during the summer of 2009.  However, I feel much more content with myself and my body now than I did then.  I no longer try to constantly achieve a smaller size, another defined muscle group, or another 20 pounds on the weight machine.  I've stopped competing with everyone else and myself.  I am trying to be healthy.  For me and my body, healthy is a size 8.  I don't have to TRY to maintain my size anymore.  My body is happy and most of the time (darn those illogical feelings that creep in sometimes) so am I. Healthy, for you, may be a size 12 - it may be a size 2.  There is nothing wrong with some "jiggly bits" on a healthy woman....in fact, it's very normal.  Sometimes in our quest to be a certain size or lose those last 10 pounds, we push out bodies past the point of health - both physically and mentally. 

4.  Positive body image does not mean being content to be obese.  I know I may be treading on toes here, so I will attempt to tread lightly.  I find it very harmful to hear a 350-pound woman say that she is "owning her body" and finds nothing wrong with her size/weight.  There comes a point where you delude yourself in thinking that you will just be content with being bigger.  There is a point where you cross over from being healthy (and maybe not your ideal size, but still healthy) to being overweight. It's not the same point for everyone.  If your health is affected, your quality of life is affected, your relationships are affected - it's time to ignore the voice in your head that says "Everything's fine - it's just a few pounds" and find help.  Loving our selves and our bodies does not preclude taking care of them in the best way possible. Carrying extra weight is not taking care of our bodies - but actually helping them deteriorate faster.  You may love yourself and be super confident with your larger size - if you can honestly say that, it's a great mental place to be. But mental acceptance and love will not be enough when your health fails due to weight-related illnesses.  I don't say this as the woman who's always been thin and fit.  I'm saying this as a woman who used to carry 50 extra pounds herself.

Ladies, I am not a fitness guru, but if you have questions I'd be happy to answer them publicly or privately.  I struggle just like everyone else with my weight, how I think and feel about myself and how I project those thoughts and feelings to others.  However, for now, I am finding joy in being a healthy and semi-active woman that may not be at her thinnest, but is most certainly at her happiest.