So, after taking the month of December off from posting, I'm back. I've wondered a few times if there is anything else in my mind that is relevant to put on this blog and just when I think there's not, an idea begs to be unpacked and before you know it I have an entire post begging to be written. Funny how it works that way :-)
It all started on our mountain trip for the new year, as I sat looking over the mountain setting (sniffling and snorting through my head cold...it's not all glamour even on vacation), while reflecting on what goals I wanted to set for 2013. My sole goal last year was to go an entire year eating whole foods. And that was accomplished - which left me wondering "What's next?". After making the easy decision to continue on with this way of eating, I still felt like I needed to challenge myself a bit more. I could have set goals to read more books, keep my house cleaner and more organized, save more money, etc. Those are common and all very good goals toward which to strive. But I just felt the need to dig a little deeper. And the one thing that had been driving me crazy for the previous few weeks was how quickly we blew through money during the month of December. Even for a woman who loves shopping, it was getting out of hand. By the end of the month, I felt an actual physical stomach-sinking feeling every time we handed over the debit card yet again, or pulled out more cash from our dwindling wallets. It wasn't just me shopping for stuff for myself (although that did happen), but eating out, blowing our gift budget, hosting parties, last minute gift items for others - the list could go on and on. I, for once, was actually tired of spending money! I've put myself on spending "fasts" before, and yet thinking of that just didn't seem to be enough. When you delve underneath the superficial symptoms (I'm spending too much money), there is a deeper cause that oftentimes gets overlooked (I'm spending money so that people will like me). Whether it's money spent on clothes and fashion so that I can be the "cool mom", "best dressed" or "fashionable blog writer" - it's all to garner approval. I spend lots of money on Christmas gifts so that people will "ooh" and "aah" over the gifts - thereby making me feel good. I take the family out to eat and get dessert so my children will think I'm the best mom ever. I discovered that I find my identity in pleasing people through the spending of money. And so in an effort to root out a bit of this "man pleasing" identity, I decided not to buy anything for myself during this year.
What are your "identities"? Some people would say "What are all the hats that you wear?", but I think an identity is deeper than that. I may wear the hat of "mom", but if I embrace the identity of being "mom" then I put far more effort, time, and money into that endeavor. I feed it, tout it to others and relish in its success. I personally support many identities - Michael's wife (my license plate reads MACSGIRL...MAC is my husband's initials), Mikayla and Matthew's mom, superwoman who holds down 3 jobs and manages a household at the same time. I cultivate these personas....I want others to notice and appreciate me for my success at supporting these identities. When I don't get the appreciation I feel I deserve, then I feel slighted. But what happens when these identities are stripped away? It's scary to think about a reality like that.
What happens if my husband leaves or cheats on me and that identity of the perfect wife is stripped away to leave me with nothing but questions about my own inadequacy? What happens if my kids are taken from me and my identity as their mother, cheerleader and friend is taken as well? My job situation is never totally secure and can change in an instant. What happens if I'm diagnosed with a life-altering disease and my body and weight are no longer easy to control? What if our house burned to the ground and instead of my closet full of beautiful clothing and shoes, I'm left with wearing other people's castoffs until the insurance money pays out? I have been in situations where my identity was stripped away - some of you have been as well.
I couldn't help but think of Job. His identify as wealthy farmer, father of many beautiful children, healthy and independent male, and husband to a loving wife were literally taken from him in a matter of days. What is left to fall back on when everything is gone? This is where our secret, and I would argue most important, identity comes to the fore. If we are believers, we are first and foremost children of God. That should be our most important identity - the one we nurture and cultivate the most. If everything else good and valuable in my life was stripped away - if I was left husbandless, childless, in ill health and with no money, but still had Christ - that alone should be enough for me to be happy. Can you honestly say that would be the case in your own life? I know I cannot. Too often, my identity as a child of God is buried underneath my striving to wrap myself in other identities that are more notable and praiseworthy.
I have heard people say, after an identity is taken away from them, that they just don't know who they are anymore. I've felt that as well - sometimes we don't recognize ourselves once the identity is gone and we are left vulnerable and hurting. Too often we seek out yet another identity - when realistically the only one who can fill that void is Christ.
This year has started out well for us. We are financially stable, our children are happy and healthy, my marriage is awesome, my closet is full. So, why am I thinking about these things? Because I don't want to wait until I have nowhere else to turn before realizing that Christ is literally all I need. Sometimes we're not forced to view Christ as our "all in all" until we have nothing left. I want to learn to see him in that light even in the midst of my happy and contented life. I can't change the fact that I am a wife and mother - those identities are still with me; although I can work on making Christ my priority above even those relationships. The superwoman status is something I need to downplay and I do agree that my life gets overly busy and I don't ask for help as much as I should - again, areas that need work. But the most accessible and fast-changing area was the identity I find in my approval rating with others. I am hoping throughout this year to run to Christ for the approval that I normally seek from others. I want to have a deep heart knowledge that he is all I need - more than my husband, children, job, money, clothes, or anything else. If he is that important to me, then what everyone else says, thinks or does pales in comparison.
Are you searching for yourself? Have you lost your identity and don't know where to turn? Do you feel depressed, despondant or listless because you don't know what to do with your life now that "x" has happened? I would challenge you to turn to Christ and cultivate a relationship with him and only him. Lose yourself in your identity as a child of God and let him restore the joy and happiness in your life!
Absolutely amazing....I am so proud to know the amazing woman you are. Certainly gives us all something to think about and to strive for.
ReplyDeletewould like to know more about your whole food challenge. really trying to study and learn more about cleaner eating.
ReplyDeleteand go you for your new challenge for this year. That is going to be a tough one but I am sure you will benefit from it! :)