Does Imitation really Equal Flattery?

Sometimes it feels like this blog jumps all over the place.  It's hard to talk fashion and style when I'm on a self-imposed shopping ban for a year.  I'm not struggling so much with femininity right now.  What I am dealing with is finding contentment in my life - specifically with myself and my home.  So, that's what I want to write about, and if you choose to follow, that's what you get to read about!

We live in a lower middle-class suburban neighborhood.  I am beyond thankful for our house, as the Lord brought us from a bad housing situation to one that blew away my wildest dreams.  I've told my husband not to plan to move me from this house until the kids are grown and we are retired.  However, the tweaking of the house to suit my own personal style? Well, that is very much a work in progress.  A work that I've found hindered by the internet, decor blogs and Pinterest....because I don't know my own personal style.  I know and love everyone else's personal style.  I love decor blogs, visiting internet stores/sites on decorating and perusing Pinterest for decor and craft ideas to beautify my home.  I've made wreaths just like blogger's wreaths, made crafts just like my Pinterest pins and coveted furniture just like "so and so" has.  I've told my husband I want to turn our kitchen into an "all white oasis"...to which he rolled his eyes and said "Are you kidding?".  And what do I get for all of this browsing and longing?  I get a heart full of discontent and a constant desire to change things.

Please don't misunderstand.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with change!  In life or in your home decor. I love seeing what other people have done with their homes.  But what I find myself doing is dreaming and planning for a life and decor style that is impossible right now - all because a blogger's home looks that way.  Yes, I would love to live in a cottage by the sea, with all my decor done in white and pale blues.  However, this is neither practical nor possible right now.  So why do I try to force my suburban contractor-grade home to look like that?  It only leads to discontent and dissatisfaction with the current state of our furniture, our decor and our life.  I look at internet pictures and other people's blogs and I want to recreate what they have...at any cost.  I've not only found that this kind of "dreaming" leads to discontent; but it also hampers my own personal style.

I love Pottery Barn style decor and costal cottage looks.  I love simplicity and cool colors.  But if I attempted to turn my home into a PB catalog, or duplicate a picture of a house that I see on a blog, I have succumbed to someone else's idea of decorating and style.  What is wrong with my own style?  Is it subpar?  Are the things I truly enjoy tacky or weird?  Does my home have to look like a Southern Living spread in order for me to be happy there?  No, of course not! But often I find myself expressing those very thoughts to myself.  I walk away without bringing something into my home that I truly love because others might think it doesn't "go" or because it doesn't fit in with that magazine image in my head.

I've made things for my home based on another blogger's beautiful pictures and then once I display it realize that I don't really like it. It's not my style.  I've decorated my house in "warm and cozy" colors and tones because that is what was popular at one time....and because Pier One swayed me with their clearance prices.  And then I've grown to hate those yellows, oranges and browns.  I've put in dark wood floors based on gorgeous magazine photos (and spent a fortune on them), only to discover that with my life and penchant for neglecting housework, those floors end up coated with dust and dog hair which I'd never considered before purchasing.   Why do I insist on trying to be like everyone else? Making my home look like everyone else's home?  Dressing like everyone else?  God made me a unique and individualistic person and yet, so often, I hide those unique traits in order to imitate someone else.  I see another woman who seems to have it all together and then just try to emulate her style and her decor.  The problem is that, often, the person we're imitating is actually imitating someone else....who is probably imitating someone else.  Do you realize how few truly authentic people there really are?  Someone willing to buck convention, fashion trends and decor magazines to stay true to themselves and their own personal sense of style?  I can only think of a few.  Mostly I find myself copying a blogger, who is copying another blogger, who is copying a decor magazine, which was written by a writer who found someone with a style that was unique or different. 

I want to challenge myself to step outside the realm of how "I should decorate" my home (because everybody else does) and move into the realm of how "I want to decorate" my home.  That's not to say I won't use the creativity of others to help flesh out my unique ideas, but I want those ideas to be completely owned by me...not just an imitation of someone else's genius.  I need to seriously consider what gives me great joy instead of trying to copy what gives someone else great joy.  Because it's a total waste to put time and money into decorating your home just to step back and realize you don't really love it at all (case in point:  my kitchen curtains which are about to undergo their third revision in the past 6 months).

So, my ever-present struggle with contentment and finding joy in the "right now" goes on.  But at least in the struggle I'm discovering the real me....and leaving behind the person content to just imitate someone else.

**Picture courtesy of www.urbanblissmedia.com**

Winter (?) doldrums.....and Love (!)

Notice the question mark after "winter" in my title.  It's January, which for me is one of the most boring months of the year - fitting somewhere between holidays and starting the kid's spring activities. This month usually means cold temps, but not so here in Georgia.  We will hit 75+ degrees again this week.  I've worn a coat twice this "winter" and usually wear just a cardigan to ward off the cold (if you can call it that).  Boring!!!  If it's going to be in the 70's all the time, I might as well have never packed away my summer wardrobe.  So, I call this the "winter of 2012/2013" and put it within appropriate quotation marks, because so far it's hardly been winter at all.  Complaining over now :-)

As for love, well Valentine's Day is coming (which is rarely celebrated in our house...yes, we're "those" people) but mostly I've been thinking about our duty of love in response to our last small group discussion.  I wrote a post a while back on my identity as a Christian being found in simply loving God and loving others.  We talked between ourselves last night in small group about how this is hard....much harder than simply following a set of rules in order to appear Christian.  Loving others is messy, makes us vulnerable, takes time and effort and requires patience.  You see, it's easy to avoid relationships and the inevitable mess that comes with them by being busy; being involved up to our eyeballs in work both within the church and without.  As you run from duty to duty, you're not required to get down to the nitty-gritty conversations that are usually part of a true, loving relationship.

We're a pretty tight-knit community of believers at our church.  Yet, as I look back on my interaction with folks yesterday morning at church I see a lot of quick "hellos" and "good mornings" - and not a lot of "So how are you doing since your husband has been out of town?" or "How is your mom in the hospital doing?" Those kinds of deeper questions would require something of me.  I might have to listen to a story of someone's loved one dying and then not have anything appropriate to say - so I avoid the messy conversation all together by smiling and hurrying on my way.  I might feel obligated to step outside my busy schedule and actually do something for a wife struggling with her children while her husband is deployed - so I avoid asking how she's doing for fear of feeling guilty that I'm not willing to add her problems to my already busy schedule.

It hits closer to home when I consider how this plays out in my relationships within my family.  I'm not one for confrontation and avoid it at all costs.  But that means when I feel slighted by my husband in some way I may stew about it inside and never confront him about the hurt because it would lead to an awkward or "messy" conversation.  I'm getting better at this part of our relationship but it's taken over 10 years to take those first baby steps into the messy side of marital love.  Loving my children means getting my nose out of my latest book to train and teach and discipline.  This takes time and effort - and can often result in tears, drama and arguments that need to be addressed with dad - which takes more time and effort.  Sometimes I avoid the whole cycle and let their sinful behavior slide because it can just get too messy to deal with it properly.  In those instances, I am not truly loving my children; I am loving myself.

I feel like I'm just scratching the surface of the lack of love in my own life.  But the more I think about it, the more I realize that when I'm not showing love to my God and others, I am lavishing love on myself.  And that's the complete opposite of how we, as Christians, are supposed to live!  When I compare my refusal to go beyond the quick and convenient and get down to the nitty-gritty of loving others to Christ's "messy" love for me - demonstrated by his willingness to live among sinners, inhabit a dying body and die a horrible death in order to make me righteous - it makes me sad to realize the state of my selfish and depraved heart. 

This year, as Valentine's Day draws nearer, I want to focus less on cheesy cards and chocolate and try to love others as best I can....even if I have to leave my comfort zone, even if it requires my time and resources, and even if it results in me looking like a total fool.  Want to join me?

Settling into Winter

Come and have a cup of tea with me while I write about random thoughts. :-)

I've been thinking on what, if anything, to post recently and realized that our life as a family (and by extension, my life) is pretty consistent right now.  Nothing major happening in the grand scheme of our family and in my own personal search for femininity.  However, there were some random thoughts that I figured I'd put down in writing....maybe some of you can relate.

This time of year, after the holiday hustle and bustle is passed, can be rather dull.  No more parties, the house looks bare once the decorations come down, it's cold outside and gets dark early.  Sometimes, you just feel "blah."  It reminds me of a phrase used a long time ago:  "settling in for the winter".  That phrase brings to mind families hunkered down in cabins during the heavy winter storms with a cellar full of canned goods and a fire crackling in the fireplace.  They're just waiting out the cold of winter and hoping for the spring.  I think often in our own lives we "settle in".  Some people refer to it as your comfort zone,  You get in a rut and just keep on going because it's comfortable, it's safe, it's known.  There's nothing intrinsically wrong with continuing on your same old path; but, I think, it helps to reevalute every now and then.  Why do I continue on in this same path?  Sometimes the answer is not pretty.  Sometimes it's because we're afraid - we've failed too many times before so now we better play it safe.  We've lost hope that our situation can ever be different.  We've quit looking for the spring because it seems like it will never come again.

Sometimes we don't leave the rut because we fear the unknown - this hits closer to home for me.  I'm currently scheduled for a consultation with my eye doctor to look into laser eye surgery.  This is way outside my comfort zone!  I'd rather lose a limb than my eyesight.  I've been wearing glasses and/or contacts since the 3rd grade and they work great (most of the time).  There's a comfort and familiarity with my morning and evening contact ritual.  Why take the risk?  I go back and forth on whether it's truly worth it.  The Lord has been gently prodding me this week that I need to step out and trust Him.  It's a small step, obviously - the risk of complications is slim to none.  But a step nonetheless for someone very comfortably walking in a rut.  This kind of trust issue goes deep between me and God.  I love and cling to the doctrine of God's sovereignty; until I really dwell on the fact that a God who is sovereign can do whatever he wants in my life.  He could take my husband, he could take my kids, he could take everything I own, he could take my health.  It's in those times that serving a sovereign God is scary.  I know good Christian women whose husbands have been taken by illness or tragedy.  I know good Christian women who lost children the ages of my own kids.  How can I trust a God who is that powerful?  It's then that I have to run back to Scripture and be assured by the fact that God is the embodiment of love, that He is a good God, that He delights in me, his child.  I can only trust that if he chose for me to lose something so dear and precious to my heart, he knows what is best and is somehow working it all for my good and his glory.  So, I go to my eye consultation and talk laser vs. doctor, finances and recovery times....all the while trusting God that whether I come out of surgery with 20/20 vision or a total loss of sight, He is in control and loves me enough to work all for my good.  I'm attempting to step outside my rut and just trust.

Finally, one more random thought!  I've seen several bloggers post about choosing one word to be their goal to strive for during this new year.  One word that sums up where they want to go and how they want to change.  I never set out to choose a word, but God gave me one anyway.  My word for 2013 is "content".  I am truly praying that God will grow a spirit of contentedness and peace in my heart.  I want to be content with my possessions, content with my current car, content with my current house, my job, my church, my family and my life.  And in that contentment I want to cultivate real gratitude for the abundance that God has already given me.  So, I'll probably be stopping in every now and then to update you on how the growth (i.e struggle ) is going.

Realizing my Secret Identity & Setting a Goal

So, after taking the month of December off from posting, I'm back.  I've wondered a few times if there is anything else in my mind that is relevant to put on this blog and just when I think there's not, an idea begs to be unpacked and before you know it I have an entire post begging to be written.  Funny how it works that way :-)

It all started on our mountain trip for the new year, as I sat looking over the mountain setting (sniffling and snorting through my head cold...it's not all glamour even on vacation), while reflecting on what goals I wanted to set for 2013.  My sole goal last year was to go an entire year eating whole foods.  And that was accomplished - which left me wondering "What's next?".  After making the easy decision to continue on with this way of eating, I still felt like I needed to challenge myself a bit more.  I could have set goals to read more books, keep my house cleaner and more organized, save more money, etc.  Those are common and all very good goals toward which to strive.  But I just felt the need to dig a little deeper.  And the one thing that had been driving me crazy for the previous few weeks was how quickly we blew through money during the month of December.  Even for a woman who loves shopping, it was getting out of hand. By the end of the month, I felt an actual physical stomach-sinking feeling every time we handed over the debit card yet again, or pulled out more cash from our dwindling wallets.  It wasn't just me shopping for stuff for myself (although that did happen), but eating out, blowing our gift budget, hosting parties, last minute gift items for others - the list could go on and on.  I, for once, was actually tired of spending money!  I've put myself on spending "fasts" before, and yet thinking of that just didn't seem to be enough.  When you delve underneath the superficial symptoms (I'm spending too much money), there is a deeper cause that oftentimes gets overlooked (I'm spending money so that people will like me).  Whether it's money spent on clothes and fashion so that I can be the "cool mom", "best dressed" or "fashionable blog writer" - it's all to garner approval.  I spend lots of money on Christmas gifts so that people will "ooh" and "aah" over the gifts - thereby making me feel good.  I take the family out to eat and get dessert so my children will think I'm the best mom ever.  I discovered that I find my identity in pleasing people through the spending of money.  And so in an effort to root out a bit of this "man pleasing" identity, I decided not to buy anything for myself during this year.

What are your "identities"?  Some people would say "What are all the hats that you wear?", but I think an identity is deeper than that. I may wear the hat of "mom", but if I embrace the identity of being "mom" then I put far more effort, time, and money into that endeavor. I feed it, tout it to others and relish in its success.   I personally support many identities - Michael's wife (my license plate reads MACSGIRL...MAC is my husband's initials), Mikayla and Matthew's mom, superwoman who holds down 3 jobs and manages a household at the same time.  I cultivate these personas....I want others to notice and appreciate me for my success at supporting these identities.  When I don't get the appreciation I feel I deserve, then I feel slighted. But what happens when these identities are stripped away?  It's scary to think about a reality like that.

What happens if my husband leaves or cheats on me and that identity of the perfect wife is stripped away to leave me with nothing but questions about my own inadequacy?  What happens if my kids are taken from me and my identity as their mother, cheerleader and friend is taken as well?  My job situation is never totally secure and can change in an instant. What happens if I'm diagnosed with a life-altering disease and my body and weight are no longer easy to control?  What if our house burned to the ground and instead of my closet full of beautiful clothing and shoes, I'm left with wearing other people's castoffs until the insurance money pays out?  I have been in situations where my identity was stripped away - some of you have been as well. 

I couldn't help but think of Job.  His identify as wealthy farmer, father of many beautiful children, healthy and independent male, and husband to a loving wife were literally taken from him in a matter of days.  What is left to fall back on when everything is gone?  This is where our secret, and I would argue most important, identity comes to the fore.  If we are believers, we are first and foremost children of God.  That should be our most important identity - the one we nurture and cultivate the most.  If everything else good and valuable in my life was stripped away - if I was left husbandless, childless, in ill health and with no money, but still had Christ - that alone should be enough for me to be happy.  Can you honestly say that would be the case in your own life? I know I cannot.  Too often, my identity as a child of God is buried underneath my striving to wrap myself in other identities that are more notable and praiseworthy. 

I have heard people say, after an identity is taken away from them, that they just don't know who they are anymore.  I've felt that as well - sometimes we don't recognize ourselves once the identity is gone and we are left vulnerable and hurting.  Too often we seek out yet another identity - when realistically the only one who can fill that void is Christ.

This year has started out well for us.  We are financially stable, our children are happy and healthy, my marriage is awesome, my closet is full. So, why am I thinking about these things? Because I don't want to wait until I have nowhere else to turn before realizing that Christ is literally all I need.  Sometimes we're not forced to view Christ as our "all in all" until we have nothing left.  I want to learn to see him in that light even in the midst of my happy and contented life.  I can't change the fact that I am a wife and mother - those identities are still with me; although I can work on making Christ my priority above even those relationships.  The superwoman status is something I need to downplay and I do agree that my life gets overly busy and I don't ask for help as much as I should - again, areas that need work.  But the most accessible and fast-changing area was the identity I find in my approval rating with others.  I am hoping throughout this year to run to Christ for the approval that I normally seek from others.  I want to have a deep heart knowledge that he is all I need - more than my husband, children, job, money, clothes, or anything else.  If he is that important to me, then what everyone else says, thinks or does pales in comparison.

Are you searching for yourself?  Have you lost your identity and don't know where to turn?  Do you feel depressed, despondant or listless because you don't know what to do with your life now that "x" has happened?  I would challenge you to turn to Christ and cultivate a relationship with him and only him.  Lose yourself in your identity as a child of God and let him restore the joy and happiness in your life!