Happiness vs. Joy

The other day, I was reading a blog where the author was exploring finding true happiness in life. He asked us readers to try to nail down what brings us happiness and then seek that happiness on a daily basis.  Well, as I sat there trying to determine what overarching thing in life makes me truly happy, I just kept drawing a blank.  I couldn't think of one thing that makes me happy every single time.  However, I could think of a million things that make me happy.  That first whiff of coffee when you open the bag in the morning...happiness.  Sunset walks on the beach...happiness.  The shouts of "Mom" when I come in the door each afternoon...happiness.  Quiet mornings with God and quiet evenings with my husband....happiness.  There are just too many!  But in reality, these times of happiness come and go.  I burn my mouth on that coffee that smelled so good 10 minutes ago, step on a crab while walking on the beach, mediate arguments between my adorable children 5 minutes after getting home and have to share my husband with work.  It's not always unicorns and butterflies!  So, after pondering this for a while I came away with a monumental conclusion.  Happiness is fleeting.  Well, duh, right? Who doesn't know that little fact?  The problem comes when we so often try to pursue happiness regardless of the fact that it's going to leave....and we KNOW it's going to leave, but we pursue it anyway.  All to no avail. It's like scooping up a handful of water at the beach.  You know, in your head, that you can't hold on to it; but you try anyway, and then end up doomed to failure and disappointment every time.

So, do we walk through life with the pessimistic viewpoint that happiness if fleeting so why even try to be happy?  No, I don't think that's a valid argument.  We have many reasons to be happy in our lives - sometimes these are big reasons and other times tiny.  It differs for all of us, but we can all find happiness if we look for it and enjoy the fleeting time we have it.  However, there's something better than happiness.

My middle name is Joy, so this word has always resonated with me.  I've thought about it over the years and come to what I believe is a good definition.  Joy is the profound peace that comes from knowing that God is in control and then enjoying what He brings into our life whether it seem good or bad to me from a human perspective. That's a rather long and involved definition, considering we were taught in Sunday School that Joy = Jesus + Others + You (in that order!).  Joy is defined as one of the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5.  There is nothing we can do, in ourselves, to manufacture these "fruits"....they come from the work of the indwelling Holy Spirit.  I think, because joy is born of the Spirit, that only Christians can have true joy.  Unbelievers experience happiness, but believers can experience both happiness and joy as provided by the Spirit.  If we believe that God is sovereign, then all circumstances of life - both good and bad - come from Him.  And if joy is provided by the Holy Spirit as part of his manifestation in our lives, then we can have joy in the midst of those circumstances - both good and bad.  I can find great moments of happiness in being a mother to my children.  But, if God should choose to take one of my children, will there be happiness? No, of course not!  But can there be joy in the midst of that tragedy?  Yes, I believe there can.  Joy transcends our circumstances; happiness, often, cannot.  Joy is deeper; a peace and contentment found in God when everything else has been stripped away. It's gratitude and a rejoicing in what God has given when it seems oftentimes that we have nothing left.

Happiness is not something to which I aspire.  It will come and go throughout my life, often based on silly things like my emotions, feelings, financial stability, or materialistic gains.  I want to be a woman full of joy, cultivating that "fruit of the spirit", where regardless of my emotions, possessions or relationships with others I can have that peace that passes all understanding....knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God is working all things for my good...even if I can't see that good at the time. 

The Choice of Feminine Speech

I got into a discussion with my 8-year-old son on Friday about the way we speak.  Why some words are considered "off limits" and what makes those words "bad".  We have always wanted to be parents who provided a reason for the rules we have in our home.  Above all, we try to avoid telling our kids to do/not do something just because we said so.  If we believe something, we should be able to back it up with a reason....whether that reason is as noble as a Scriptural conviction or as silly as a personal preference.  You try explaining to a young child why there are certain words used commonly in the Bible, but we should choose to not use such words in our conversations because of the connotation those words convey today!  Or why respected adults use words that are not allowed in our home.  Or why we choose to not use certain words, even when there's nothing inherently wrong with those words.  Basically, it comes down to a matter of choice.  Are words inherently wrong or evil? No, they are just words...vowel and consonant strung together to form patterns that we interpret as words.  Am I free to use any words I want when speaking?  Sure, I am.  Can I choose to speak in a certain way so as best to reflect my God and my femininity?  Most definitely.  It all comes down to a choice.

We, as women, have a choice about the way we speak and the words that we use.  I have paid attention to people over the years, both professionally and casually.  In order to come across as a professional, intellectual and put-together person, your speech should reflect a certain refinement.  As a woman, in order to exude femininity, my speech should reflect that inward spirit of calm, quiet and serenity.  These patterns of speech are all matters of choice.

I have a tendency, when under pressure and sometimes even in a casual setting, of speaking a mile-a-minute and the more stressed I am, the faster I talk.  Often, through my fast-paced speech, I completely disregard whatever anyone else is saying in an attempt to get my point across and get it obeyed/considered as quickly as possible.  I also have a tendency to throw in crass words that make me feel more "hip" or "of the moment".  Just keepin' it real here!  Words like "crap", "stupid", "gay" are all part of my normal speech....and I wish they weren't.  Each time I say these (and other) words, there's a slight cringe inside.  A little pulling back and wishing I hadn't been so quick to use crass words, when another word could have been substituted that was more appropos, more intellectual, or just more feminine.  I'm thinking right now of the older generation of ladies in my church.  Sweet, God-fearing, feminine women.  And I'm trying to imagine them using these types of words....and I just can't picture it.  Yes, we are free to speak as we wish.  But I believe there are certain words and speech patterns that are decidedly unfeminine.  They are beneath me as a child of God and a feminine woman.

As I explained to my son, our words are a matter of choice. He doesn't have much choice in the matter right now - while he lives in our house he will abide by our rules of what is acceptable speech!  But when that critical time comes when he is no longer in our house, when he is on his own in the world, I want to have instilled in him that his speech is a choice - and that just as his mom chose to use or not use certain words/speech patterns, so he too will have to make that same choice. Choosing appropriate speech will help him in his life socially, professionally and academically.....just as that choice helps me in my search for true femininity.

Friday Fashion Faux Pas

Every Friday, I'll be posting a quick fashion faux pas.  Just keep them in the back of your mind for future shopping trips, or just a good laugh when you're out in public and witness one of these fashion mistakes firsthand.

Picture this, if you will - the late-30's women is out for lunch at a local hamburger joint. She gets out of her minivan and proceeds to waltz into the restaurant wearing knit booty shorts with writing scrawled across the butt proclaiming that she is sexy or cute or hot.

The last place anyone wants to see a description of your best quality is on your butt!

The End.

I would have posted a picture of this fashion mistake, but I'm afraid the firewall at the office would not appreciate searches like "booty shorts" or "sexy shorts".  So, I'll just leave it to your imagination.



Endless Summer

Growing up, here in the deep South, there was one rule governing the wearing of white.  Repeat it with me...."No white before Memorial Day or after Labor Day!"  Except in our part of Georgia, it was "No white before Easter"; because what good Southern little girl didn't have a new pair of white patent leather mary janes for Easter?  White gloves, as well....and maybe even a white hat.  Now that I'm an adult in charge of my own wardrobe choices, I choose to rebel and wear white from April through September. Not much of a departure, I know! 

Considering yesterday was the first official day of summer, I wanted to write about a few things that cross my mind every year when I see folks start to break out their hot weather clothing (or lack, thereof).  Keeping in mind, all the while, that the goal is to be feminine while trying to keep cool!

White clothing equals nude undergarments.

Does this sound counterintuitive?  Shouldn't we wear white undergarments under white clothing?  NO!  Every woman should have a set of plain, nude undergarments in her wardrobe.  They are not fancy or pretty; but they are highly functional.  Your nude undergarments need to mimic your flesh shade as closely as possible.  There are darker nudes and lighter buff colors. Buy your functional undergarments in as close a shade as you can get to your natural skin tone.  Nude undergarments disappear under white clothing.  White undergarments under white clothing stand out like a sore thumb.  A feminine woman keeps her undergarments to herself.

Keep your bra straps under wraps.

Nothing screams "I don't care if the world sees my underpinnings!" like walking around with your bra straps hanging out.  If they slide down your shoulder and won't stay up, get a better fitting bra. If you're wearing a tank top or another type of shirt with a strange cut through the shoulder, wear a racerback bra.  And, above all, if you're wearing a strapless top, wear a strapless bra!  Unless you aspire to the Madonna-inspired look of underwear as outerwear, make sure to keep your undergarments to yourself.

Keep your feet in tip-top shape.

Most women wear sandals or flip flops during the summer. This means that your toes or heels will be exposed to the world.  It is not very feminine to walk around with chipped toenail polish or cracking, chapped heels.  If you can't afford a pedicure, attempt to keep up with your feet at home.  Keep the nails trimmed and neat, keep the paint fresh (if you paint your toenails), buy a $1 pumice stone from Walmart and rub those heels in the shower a few times a week (then put on a good bit of lotion and wear socks to help the lotion sink in).  For me, a once-a-month pedicure is one of the best $20 I spend (have you ever sat in those massaging chairs for 1 hour sans kids....heaven!).

Shave your legs.

Unless you live in Europe, or embrace a very different lifestyle than most, hairy legs are not feminine.  Some of us have to do it more than others, but if you are going to expose your legs, make sure to shave them.  If you don't have time to shave, a maxi dress/skirt is a great way to feel feminine and keep those hairy gams covered up until the next shower.

Keep it loose.

Anyone ever experienced that wonderful feeling of getting out of your car in 90 degree heat and sweat running down between your thighs?  Oh, just me?  Anyway, summer is a time to embrace loose clothing.  Personally, I can't wear jeans during the summer...they're just too hot. But white linen pants?  Wonderful! Keep dresses loose and airy to stay cooler.  And one of the best pieces of clothing I've bought this year?  Pettipants!  Remember those long shorts-looking slips your grandmother probably had?  Well, she knew what she was doing because one $5 slip later and I no longer have to deal with thighs rubbing together and sweating! 

Be appropriate.

There are times when a sleeveless dress is not appropriate.  There are times when a shorter skirt is not appropriate.  Be wise when choosing your clothing for the day or event.  Have a few very lightweight cardigans to throw over that sleeveless dress when at the office.  Wear a longer, flowy skirt instead of that denim mini when going over to someone's house for dinner.  That cute spaghetti strap number you like to wear on dates? Yeah, probably not a great idea for working with the teenage guys on a youth activity.  Summer is a time when we tend to wear less in an effort to beat the heat. But sometimes, by changing fabrics or the fit of your garment, you can be just as cool and still covered up and appropriate.  Modesty and femininity don't go out the window when the temps climb sky high.

Buy clothing for the season.

Did you know that some fabrics "breathe" and others don't?  Natural fibers like cotton, silk and linen allow air to travel through the fibers.  They keep you cooler and dryer in hot, sweaty conditions (i.e. summers in the South).  Manmade fabrics like rayon and polyester don't breathe but tend to trap heat inside.   Look for fabrics that breathe. Save the heavier fabrics and manmade fibers for winter.  Nothing overtly feminine here, other than the desire to avoid sweatiness at all costs!

If you have any other feminine fashion tips for summer, feel free to share in the comments! 

Dressing the "Barbie"

Although, the most desired body shape in this area of the world, the Barbie or Hourglass shape has its own problems as well as strengths.  As far as feminine curves, well, you have those in abundance. Curves of the bust, curves of the waist, curves of the hips....there's probably not an area of your body that's not curvy!  I think the biggest problem area for the Barbie shape is learning to dress your overly abundant body in a feminine and modest way.  Some women carry this to the extreme and cover up from neck to ankle in shapeless garments...as if they're hiding from the world, or at least the opposite sex.  I would argue that although modesty is a must, hiding your body under layers and tents of fabric is a shame.  I only have curves on the lower half, so don't have experience with the pitfalls of a large and curvy upper body; however, I have shopped with women of this body shape and have a few things to note as far as maximizing what you have in a feminine way. And, I was surprised at the trouble women with this ultra-desired body shape have in finding appropriate and well-fitting clothes.  They often need a tailor even more than the rest of us!

For the last time, let's define the Barbie or Hourglass shape. These women are curvy on the top (often with what they deem an oversized bust), have small waists, and then voluptuous hips and/or thighs.  Think Dolly Parton as an extreme example.  Sometimes the ratio of bust/waist/hips is not as exaggerated as that, but I'm surprised at the number of women who do have extreme measurements.  Sometimes, those measurements are achieved artificially.

Although this body shape is the ultra-feminine "ideal" in our area of the world, at the same time, just remember that they deal with the hard-to-dress areas of both the Apple AND the Pear shape.  I've said it before and it bears repeating, you need to find a tailor or learn to tailor your own clothes.  Clothes off the rack are not made to fit you personally.  They are created on a static model and then reproduced en masse. Every now and then you will find something that fits you "to a T", but most times there are little tweaks that can be made to make an otherwise ill-fitting garment look custom-made for your body.  I'm surprised at how cheap some of these tweaks can be.  Learning to do these kinds of small sewing jobs yourself will also save you money in the long run.

So, here are a few tips for maximizing femininity with a body shape that's already "maxed out!"

1.   Enjoy the waist and curves God gave you! - Defining your waist should not be a problem, as it's probably defined regardless of what you wear due to your natural proportions.  I've said things about belts, sashes, and defining your waist in my other body shape posts, so won't repeat myself here. But one thing I will say is this - enjoy that small waist.  Play it up as much as possible and have fun with the one area of your body that will probably remain relatively the same regardless of weight gain or loss.  It's a crying shame for an Hourglass shape to hide her curvy waist under ill-fitting or baggy-waisted Tshirts.  Embrace your shape!

2.   Modesty is a Must. - As I've said before, there is a fine line between flaunting your femininity and flaunting your assets.  I think flaunting your feminity is modestly embracing the shape that God gave you as well as exhibiting a feminine spirit.  I see nothing about this attitude of embracing your body shape that disagrees with Scripture or modesty.  Flaunting your assets, however, flies in the face of true femininity and modesty.  I have never thought that a women was truly feminine while she was showing 6 inches of cleavage and a skirt slit up to her hip.  Sexiness, yes; attractiveness, maybe; but femininity, no.  How you choose to treat your ample assets is your call, but I firmly believe you need to anchor your search for femininity in the realm of modesty.  Be very careful when buying shirts and blouses.  TRY THEM ON!  Button them up and see if the buttons gape.  If you have to unbutton your shirt an extra button just to accomodate your chest, it's time to go up a size and have a tailor work his magic on the side seams.  Bend over in your blouse to see how far it falls from your chest and what kind of view you're giving the world when you pick up your child or bend to get that jar of spaghetti sauce at Walmart.  Lift your arms and make sure that the armpit holes of your shirt are not showing your bra or half of your chest.  If the bust of your T-shirt is pulling into vertical lines across the front of your chest, it's too tight and you need to go up a size.  An assortment of camisoles are great for women with larger assets, because they instantly give you coverage under tops or dresses that "might" slip down too far during wear. I'm assuming most women reading this blog are not interested in flashing their assets for the world to see or in showing off inches of cleavage in a tight dress. These are just small ways to make sure that, while embracing your feminine curves, you still maintain that allure of femininity.

3.   Always draw the eye to your face. - It's easy to get lost in an Hourglass shape's curves; there's just so many of them!  Work to emphasize your face.  Draw eyes up past your curvy hips, past your ample bust to your face....where that true femininity of spirit shines through.  Keep necklaces up close to your collarbone where the eye will not be drawn down toward the bust.  A very wide belt will cinch in your waist, but it will also draw attention to your hips.  Try a skinny one instead that doesn't make that area so obvious.  You may have to work more than some people to get others (especially men) to look past your chest, but it's still possible.

I'm sorry I don't have more to say on this shape. I just feel that it's been covered before in my discussions on the Apple (upper half) and Pear (lower half). The same principles apply, so go back and visit those posts, if you haven't already.

In closing, I want to reiterate a point.  Your body shape, whether underweight, overweight, or healthy weight, was given to you by God through your genetics.  Whether stick straight or extra curvy, it is not something to be ashamed of or hidden away.  Dress your body as best you can, in a feminine manner.  Hiding your shape under boy clothes, tent-like shirts, or clunky white tennis shoes is the opposite of embracing your femininity and uniqueness as a woman.  And that's the crux.  We are unique.  We are different.  We are female.  There's nothing about those facts that we can change.  We CAN change the femininity with which we approach our unique female shape.  Try to make a few small changes and see how it makes you feel as a woman.  Most of all, cultivate that feminine spirit of calm and strength and graciousness....which is far more valuable in a quest for true femininity than any item of clothing could possibly be.

Dressing the Pear

I have so many things I want to say about this topic, as this is my natural body shape and the one that I've spent 35+ years learning how to dress.  Sometimes those lessons have been easy and some were just plain tough.  There's nothing like seeing a picture of yourself when you truly believed you looked fantastic....and then upon seeing the pictorial proof realizing that you feel far short of the fashionably feminine mark!  I spent many years of my life bemoaning my body shape and wishing to have thinner thighs, wishing to be able to buy pants that fit every single time, wishing for a bigger bust to balance out my lower half....basically, I was wishing for something else than what God gave me.  The older I get the more I am coming to embrace what God gave me, perceived "flaws" and all.  Can I be a Victoria's Secret model with my larger hips/thighs/butt?  No, I cannot!  But I can be a feminine wife, mother, friend, and professional working woman; and that's all God has called me to be.  I can't achieve a super model body, but I can achieve femininity with the body I have.  Besides, after observing lots of women through the course of my life, including their fashion triumphs and failures, I feel that dressing the Pear shape really isn't all that difficult.

So, what defines the Pear shape? Well, let's review.  We classic Pears have a smaller torso (including a small bust), small waists, and larger butt/hips/thighs.  I've seen women that wear a size 2 in a blouse and wear a size 8/10 in pants.  That's not uncommon with the Pear shape.  Also your "pearness" can become more exaggerated as you get older, have kids, and gain weight.  So the difference in your upper body to lower body ratio may change over time.  But one thing remains the same - you will always be smaller on top than you are on the bottom.

One thing that makes feminizing a pear shape easy is that we're born with natural curves.  Maybe we're not as curvy as the Barbie ladies (hello, C or D..or beyond...cup size), but we have some pretty fluid curves of which to take advantage!  Let's see below a few things we can do to maximize our shape in a feminine manner.

1.   Play up your best asset...YOUR WAIST! - Ladies, we are not like the Asparagus shapes that have to try so hard to fake a waist; we are not like the Apple shapes who gain weight through the midsection and lose their waist definition.  We have beautiful, curvy waists....no faking necessary.  Even during weight gain/loss, that waist definition remains the same.  Even when the thighs are rippling with fat (don't laugh...my thighs ripple when I walk...or my son in his swim goggles tells me they do when I swim) and you feel like your butt could float a yacht; your waist will remain relatively trim in comparison.  Take advantage of that fact!  Wear tops or dresses that nip in at the waist or tie at the waist.  For cooler weather, buy a trench coat that you can cinch at your waist.  One of my absolute favorite ways to feel feminine, as a pear shape, is to wear a belt. I own umpteen belts.  Skinny belts, jean belts, wide woven belts, patent leather belts, fabric belts.  I belt dresses, cardigan sweaters, blousy tops, jackets....you name it and I've thrown a belt over it.  Making my waist look tiny makes me feel feminine.  Try it and let me know what you think!

2.   Be discriminating when buying and wearing pants. - Pants are a troublesome area for us Pear shaped women.  Here's our usual predicament:  if they fit in the hips/thighs they gape in the waistband; and if it fits in the waistband, they may make our hip/thighs look like they were stuffed into sausage casings.  We usually buy the pants to fit our larger area and then deal with waist gape by wearing a belt or just letting the pants sit lower on our hip (potentially exposing more of our backside than we intended - not feminine at all).  In order to find a well-fitting pair of jeans you many need to try on 20+ pairs (I'm not joking).  Here are a few tips learned from trial and error...and my husband making what he thinks are helpful comments along the way.

Wider-leg pants are more flattering and feminine

I have skinny jeans and wear them occasionally.  I have boot cut pants and find they are great for all-around wear.  But if I want to feel more feminine, I break out my wide-leg pants/jeans.  Try on several pairs to see how wide-leg you can go without looking ridiculous.  Wear your wide-leg pants hemmed to the floor else you will risk looking like a flood is coming.

Higher waisted pants are more flattering and feminine

No, they don't need to look like 70's high-rise pants, or Monica-on-Friends-circa 1994 high-rise pants...but explore the mid-rise or higher on your pants and jeans. This is where husband's not-so-appreciated comments come in. I had worn low-rise pants forever because I thought they made my torso look longer and they took advantage of my relatively flat stomach.  He told me they tended to make my legs look stumpy (I took this to mean short and fat) and my torso look out of proportion with my lower half.  He has always complimented my higher rise jeans and pants; and this from a man who doesn't notice when I dye my hair from dark brown to light blonde.  Higher waisted pants will elongate your legs and make them appear longer and leaner, as well.

3.   Dresses are beautiful, functional and easy peasy. - Nothing makes me, as a Pear shape, feel more feminine than wearing a dress.  I have nothing against pants, capris, and shorts.  But there is something about the way a dress swishes around your legs that just feels feminine.  Skirts fall into this same category but I don't have a multitude of skirts because then you have to have tops to go with them and a dress is just easier to throw on and go.  I wear them for work, for play, for lounging around the house, for going out, for church....basically everything.  When I get home from work, I can put on a pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt; or I can put on a jersey dress.  Both are functional and appropriate for doing chores, cooking supper and lounging; however only one of those options makes me feel pretty while I'm doing those things.  Guess which one?  I know there are women who don't like dresses and skirts.  Please don't think I'm saying you cannot be feminine in your pants.  I'm just making a point that dresses are made for women, to highlight our specific female bodies, and I think we should take advantage of one of the only articles of clothing made exclusively for women.  Besides, ladies, nothing hides those bigger butts/hips/thighs like a swingy skirt!

4.   Take advantage of supportive undergarments. - If you feel less than feminine due to jiggly thighs or extra baggage on your hips; or you feel that things just don't fit as well as they should, you might want to invest in some quality undergarments. And by undergarments, I mean Spanx.  Call it a girdle if you want, but if you want to feel taut, curvy and "held in place", nothing does the job like a great pair of Spanx (or cheaper substitute).  These kinds of undergarments can smooth out lumps and bumps, help to define your waist even more, or just give you more confidence when wearing something that's more fitted than your usual style.

5.   Highlight the best part of your legs. - Ladies, don't hide your legs just because they're bigger.  They are curvy and feminine.  If you're not comfortable enough to bare anything above your knees (I'm falling into this group the older I get.), then play up that curve of your calf in some knock-out shoes.  Wear knee-length dresses, flippy skirts or bermuda shorts.  Buy some nice wedge shoes that will lengthen your legs.  I have a tutorial on finding the perfect spot on the leg to balance out proportions and maybe this will give you some guidelines....so watch for that post in the future.

6.   Maximize your upper body. - I'm not talking about flaunting your assets, so please don't misunderstand.  But I think we spend so much time trying to camoflauge the "flaws" in our lower half that we pay no attention to how to play up our upper half.  The idea in dressing your shape is to create balance between your upper and lower halves.  You need to feminize that upper half as well.  We may not have the assets that others do, but then again (as I've heard from other women) we don't have to deal with the back pain, indecent glances and hard-to-fit shirts with which other ladies struggle.  Take your small bust and do the best you can!  There is no excuse for letting your "girls" hang out in a plain stretch jersey bra when they are umpti-million options available to lift and enhance your bust.  I'm not saying buy expensive "cutlets" and insert them into your shapewear, although some women do and to each her own.  I'm saying you can go to Walmart and find a nice push-up bra that will make the most of that A or B cup.  I will tell you that no bra in the world that I've found is enough to give me cleavage; however, there are many that make me feel pretty and feminine.  Wear v-neck blouses, scoopneck blouses, or boatneck blouses to draw attention to your upper body and face and away from trouble spots.  Wear beautiful necklaces and earrings that highlight your face.  Wear ruffles and embellishments on the upper portion of your tops to give the appearance of more "volume" up there...it's feminine, classic and beautiful.

In conclusion, Pears, we have it easy compared to some.  Yes, those lower body trouble spots are annoying and hard to fit sometimes, but we have curves...sometimes in spades!  Take advantage of them, feminize them, and see how it makes you feel.  Ruffles, floral prints and lace can be feminine.  But so can tailoring, clean lines and solid colors.  See how the clothing makes you feel, how it makes you walk (I dare you to try to schlump around while wearing a beautiful swishy skirt with heels) and then decide if this clothing defines femininity for YOU!  If it doesn't, keep experimenting until you find something that does.

**http://ericamatthews.wordpress.com/2010/11/13/stylist-bible-body-shapes/ - pic above**

Dressing the Apple (i.e. the post where I get very longwinded)

Ugh! This new blog experience is driving me a bit batty.  I lay awake at night and can't sleep because thoughts of everything I want to write are running through my mind!  I told my husband this morning I should have just gotten up and at least typed out the basic gist of my thoughts just to get them out of my head and then maybe, just maybe, I could get some sleep.  If this continues, I may be forced to resort to those drastic measures at 2am!

As I lay there last night thinking of everything I wanted to write about dressing the Apple shape, I realized most of what I was contemplating were just ways to camoflauge body flaws and highlight body strengths.  Again, you can get this from any fashion magazine or a million sites on the internet; or maybe from your own family members who struggle to dress the same body shape because it was genetically gifted to them as well.  I began to think about ways to dress the Apple shape that highlight femininity since that is more the focus of my blog.  So, most of the things I'll address today are not ways to look like you've lost 10 pounds or ways to camoflauge a belly although some of what I can will apply to that. Most of all, I want to give tips on how to look and feel more feminine by working with the shape God gave you.

So, what is an Apple shape?  Well, a typical Apple shape is a woman with a large bust, thin hips/legs and who tends to gain weight mostly in her upper body.  Now, if you are in "fighting form" and carry little excess fat, you may have a large bust, slightly discernable waist, slim hips and slim legs. What differentiates you from the Asparagus shape is your larger bust and the ability (albeit probably unwanted) to gain any and all weight through your torso.  If you are carrying a few extra pounds, you may have a large bust and a large tummy as well, as most all extra weight will be concentrated in your torso.  Again, I am a Pear, so I do not have experience with this body type personally; however, I know many people in my life and the blogosphere who are Apple-shaped and they will freely admit it is not an easy body to dress (as everyone probably thinks about their shape at some point in their lives).

Now, how to work with and feminize the shape with which you were born:

1.   Do your best to define your waist. - This is not so much a fashion tip as just an emphasis on something mentioned in a previous post.  Your waist is unique to women, as it is one of those fluid curves of the body. Just because yours doesn't curve as much as some women's doesn't mean it should be ignored!   If you're just carrying a few extra pounds, this is easier; but if you're carrying a lot of extra tummy weight, it's still doable just harder.  Wear a belt over your dress, sweater or top. Experiment on where to place it.  If you have no definable waist, try putting the belt up higher under your bust to create a more empire-waisted look.  You can wear a belt down lower on your torso as well.  Personally, I think a sash/scarf/tie, is more flattering on an Apple shape because you can offset the knot/bow of the sash slightly to the side, drawing the eye diagonally across your tummy area instead of directly in the middle.  By the way, when I refer to a belt here, I am not referring to a brown leather belt that you wear with jeans....experiment with skinny belts in various colors/textures. A skinny belt is much easier to manipulate and move around your torso than a big 2" wide leather belt with a silver industrial buckle! 

2.   Play up your legs. - Most Apple-shaped women have beautiful legs. You don't have to strut around in mini skirts to show them off, but take advantage of those feminine curves in your calves and ankles.  Wear cute shoes that play up your legs as one of your better features.  If you can't wear heels, try wedges...they're so much easier to walk in and can be found for summer (peep-toe espadrilles) or winter (wood block heel/suede).  Know your ideal skirt/short length and have your clothes tailored to hit that "sweet spot" (we'll discuss this in a future post).  Your legs are vastly different from a man's so embrace their feminine uniqueness.  Don't hide those gams under capris or full-length pants all the time.

3.   Play up your best upper-body features. - A woman's collarbone and neck area is universally feminine and flattering.  Large busted (modest) women usually tend to steer clear of v-neck or scoopneck shirts because of the risk of overexposure.  But a boatneck top daintily reveals the upper shoulders and collarbone without giving way to immodesty.  Men wear crewneck, v-neck and sometimes even slightly scoopneck shirts....but the boatneck top is specifically designed to show off one of your more flattering features.  Also, necklaces can be used to draw the eye up toward your face, as long as they don't dangle down over your ample bosom.  Try different lengths and see what works for you.  If you feel that wearing a large statement necklace draws too much attention to your bust, then invest in some beautiful, dainty pieces that give just a hint of sparkle to that collarbone area.

4.   Always check your side view. - From what I see every day when I'm out and about, there are few women who own a full-length mirror.  Maybe they don't own a mirror at all.  It is imperative that you be able to view your body from the front and side; if you can wiggle around to get a back view that's even better.  My husband finally bought me a full length mirror for Christmas this past year.  This was after 14 years of climbing up on toilet seats or the rim of the bathtub to be able to see my lower half in the bathroom mirror!  I hate to leave the house until I can see my appearance from top to bottom.  You may think it's vain, but I dare you to try viewing how you appear from other angles besides the waist up.  Apple-shaped ladies, you really need to check your side view before leaving the house. That blouse or dress that skims so beautifully over your bust/tummy from the front may look like an absolute tent from the side.  Those pants that, from the front, make you look so skinny may be giving you "flat butt syndrome" from the side.  While trying to disguise figure "flaws" we often make them worse by throwing a bunch of fabric over it and hoping no one notices.  It would be better to gather in that tent-like top with a loosely tied belt or sash than be seen as if you're wearing a mumu!  In my opinion, you negate your femininity of apperance by hiding under vast amounts of unnecessary fabric.

5.   Your bust is not your enemy. - Please hear me out on this.  Your bust, full or large or downright impossible as it may be, was given to you as part of your female genetic heritage.  It is not something to be ashamed of, it is not something you have to hide and it does not define you as a woman.  I am so tired of seeing beautiful and attractive women hunching over to hide their larger busts, wearing tents to hide their larger busts, or buying ill-fitting undergarments so their busts sit lower and are hopefully less noticeable.  Ladies, your bust is one of your most beautiful and feminine features. I believe you need to embrace it as such.  Of all body shapes, you need to have a professional bra fitting by someone other than a 21-year-old size 34B sales rep at Victoria's Secret!  If your weight fluctuates by 15 pounds up or down, you need to be re-fitted.  If your bra strap sits high up on your back, if your cups sag and don't sit at your armpits, if your straps dig into your shoulders and leave huge painful grooves, you need a new bra!!  And you probably won't find one on the sale rack at Walmart for $3. Invest in some good quality undergarments that will last for years.  Get those girls up where they are supposed to be and then learn to dress them accordingly.  You are doing yourself a disservice by trying to hide what God has given you.  I am NOT advocating flaunting your assets for the world to see.  I am saying you should stand up straight in a well fitting bra and then dress your body in a way that's modest and feminine. It is possible! It might be harder for you to find well-fitting button-down shirts than other people, but it is possible.  You might have to wear a cami under almost everything, but that's not hard.  You might have to give up v-neck tshirts, but that's doable.  If you feel that men objectify you for your assets, or can't talk to you without looking at your chest....but you have done what you can to be modest in your dress and actions....it is not your fault.  You are only embracing what God has given you as a female. And just know that some of us size A and B cups, would kill to trade places with you for just one day!

Goodness, I write a novel when I get started.  I'm going to have to find pictures to put in these posts to break up the monotony of thousands of words running endlessly together.  Just a few more short notes and then I'll be done.

Decidedly unfeminine fashion mistakes made by Apple shapes:

Wearing low rise pants to avoid accomodating your belly and thereby looking as if your legs are 2 feet long and risking the inevitable "coin slot" moment when you bend over.

Wearing klingy tops or tshirts that highlight any excess weight (i.e muffin top).  Apple shapes carrying excess tummy weight are very prone to muffin top.

Wearing sleeveless tops that pull across your bust, creating the effect known as "underarm gaping" where everyone can see the majority of your armpit and then parts of your bra.

If you have any questions about any of the terms I used in this post, don't hesitate to ask.  I forget that not everyone reads fashion blogs every day :-)  Also, if you are an Apple shape and have any tips for feminizing your look, I'd love to hear them!

Dressing the Asparagus

As mentioned in yesterday's post, the inner woman is where true femininity springs; however, we must also remember that our outer apperance and mannerisms affect how others view our femininity.  Although we all believe in truly getting to know someone before forming lasting opinions about them, it's a universal trait to assess a person on first glance and form some kind of opinion about them.  That opinion may change over time once you become familiar with them, or your inital assessment may just be reinforced.  But regardless, anytime I present myself to the world all they can see initially is that outer appearance.  I can be the most calm, composed and feminine soul on the inside, but if I sclump around in ratty sweatpants, an ill-fitting stained tshirt and flip flops from Old Navy I negate my inward femininity; at least at first glance and let's face it....sometimes that first glance is all you get!  I may never see that lady in the check-out line at Kroger again, so her first impression of me is all she has.  And personally, I'd rather leave her with an impression of femininity and womanly grace/character than one of slovenly disregard.  Again, I will repeat, being a feminine woman is not ONLY about our outward appearance, but it's my opinion that we should have some kind of regard for our outward appearance else we fail to represent the true nature of our heart or our God.

Now, on to dressing the Asparagus shape.  Admittedly, I have no experience with this body shape; my own shape being that of a pear.  However, I read and enjoy the blogs of several very fashionable women who have this straight up and down (or ruler) shape and I've picked up quite a few tips and ideas from them.  Below is a link to a blog written by Molly who is an avid Anthropologie fan and colorphile who puts together some of the most inventive outfits with colors, patterns and textures.   She is a self-confessed "ruler" shape but does a wonderful job feminizing and working with what she has.

Meet Molly from Anthromollogies:  http://anthromollogies.com/

The basic rule of thumb when you are an Asparagus is to attempt to give yourself some curves.  If you've noticed, supermodels walking the high fashion runways do not have curves. Their bust-waist-hip measurements are almost the same. This makes for one long shape with no (or very little) definable curves.  However, in most cultures and in the mainstream culture of our own country, the absence of curves (those soft, "fluid" areas of the body) is viewed as unfeminine, boyish, and colt-like.  I've heard all these terms used to describe the "ruler" shape - it's not just my opinion!  So, if you have no curves and want them, or just want to dress your body in a bit more feminine manner, here are a few tips.  Again, I don't speak from experience, just some knowledge gained from others.  You can find a plethora of information online or in magazines for maximizing what God gave you!

1.  The belt is your best friend. - I believe this is true for almost any shape body, but especially for someone trying to create a waist.  And I'd go further and say a skinny or medium width belt is even better.  You can throw a belt on over pretty much anything, cinch it tight (or as tight as you feel comfortable) and instantly give yourself definition through your midsection. It may not be much, but it will draw the eye to that area of your body and the way your clothes blouse out above and below will give the appearance of a waist that you might not have.  If you visit the blog I linked to above you can see numerous occasions where she uses a belt to create a waist, where she doesn't have much of one.

2.   Pencil skirts can be flattering (most of the time). - Most off-the-rack pencil skirts are cut for women with less definition between their waist and hips....and this would be the Asparagus shape.  A great-fitting pencil skirt can do wonders for giving boyish shapes the apprearance of having hips.  One word of caution, though.  If you have a very flat butt and wear a pencil skirt, the view from the side will be less than attractive.  You'll look even more like a stick.  There are, however, some pencil skirts that have seams that cut in toward your butt in the back. These are more flattering, but are harder to find.  Anyway, always check the side view in what you wear to see if you're creating curves or diminishing what you already have.

3.   Skinny jeans?  Yes, you can rock them! - The skinny jean phase is not going away anytime soon.  They are making ones with higher rises, varying colors, ankle zippers, cropped lengths and numerous other incarnations for anyone's pallette.  You, of all people, can wear skinny jeans as they're meant to be worn.  You will not look like a sausage stuffed in a casing and your legs will look like they are 5 miles long.  If femininity is your goal through, balance out that skinny tightlegged effect with a flowy blouse and beautiful shoes.  You could certainly get away with wearing skinny jeans and a tight T and sky-high heels....but honestly this is more nightclub than feminine.  Skinny jeans, with a beautiful flowy top and patterened ballet flats is feminine, on trend, and comfy.

4.   Be careful with the boy-cut trend. - You, of all shapes, can wear boy-cut clothing and wear it well.  If you're on the smaller end of the size spectrum, you can even shop in the boys section of stores.  Boyfriend pants, hipster vests, Converse with skinny jeans; it'll all look good because boy-cut clothes are made for women with no hips, a very indefinable waist and insignificant bust.  However, I would challenge you to look beyond this type of trend for one reason alone - it's not very feminine.  I'll admit, you can look sexy wearing menswear, you can look cool wearing menswear, you can look like an I-don't-care-I-just-wake-up-this-way-every-morning hipster; but, would you look feminine?  Just a thought!

5.   Wear a beautiful necklace. - Nothing draws the eye up toward your face (and away from lacking curves) more than a beautiful necklace.  If you have tons of money, feel free to buy a huge emerald choker and wear that to the mall. But for most of us, fashion jewelry is our only hope of having statement jewelry.  Highlight your face by picking up a few statement pieces that match lots of things in your wardrobe.  Also, pretty earrings are a good choice for drawing attention to your face.  For me, a beautiful pair of dangly earrings instantly makes me feel more feminine....especially if they swish lightly against my neck when I walk.

6.   Wear proper undergarments. - This is something I will do a separate post on sometime in the future.  But, just a brief mention here.  Buy a bra that fits and lifts your breasts as much as possible.  Push-up bras are your friend.  Get a professional fitting and make the most of what you have.   You'd be amazed at what a good push-up bra can do for your bust, but also for the way you feel about yourself (I speak as a small-chested woman, so I know!).  Also, if you're up for personal enhancement, or torture as some people describe it, you can invest in some shaping undergarments.  They have shapers that will pull in your waist, padded shapers that will give you a nice butt, shapers to push up your bust...and they don't look like they came from the seedy underworld of lingerie.  Try www.spanx.com for some ideas.  And one more thing on this note: there's nothing that will make you feel more feminine and womanly than lacy undergarments. Don't just buy them for your husband. Buy them for yourself.  It's like a special secret no one knows but you!  So, if you're feeling less than curvy, or decidedly unfeminine for one reason or another, slip on something special underneath your utilitarian work or mom-at-home clothes and revel in that little bit of femininity that is yours alone....and maybe your husband's when he gets home!

Any Asparagus shapes out there want to chime in on other ways to create curves or feel feminine?

Drivin' N (not) Cryin'

**Bonus points for you today if you know and enjoy the band referred to in my title!**

So, today, as I'm driving back to the office from picking up my kids at VBS (see the title had something to do with my opening paragraph), all sorts of thoughts about this blog and my goals were flooding my head.  In fact, to tell the truth, bloggy thoughts have been running rampant in my head since yesterday afternoon when I started this whole thing.  There's so much I want to say, so much I want to get down before I forget, so much I worry about putting out there that might offend people.  But mostly thoughts about what it means to be a truly feminine woman.

Before I get started on finding the feminine in our individual body shapes, I wanted to try to quantify what being feminine means to me at this stage of life.  Being "feminine" is not necessarily being "female."  Think of all the women who surround you in every area of life....family, work, church, grocery store, gas station, Walmart.  All of these women qualify as being female.  However, think closely about how many of those women you would truly consider to be feminine.  What qualities did those feminine women exhibit that made you classify them as such?  Was it the way they walked, the way they dressed, their calm and soothing spirit, the way they held their teacup during tea (pinky fingers out, please!)?  Each of us defines femininity differently. Sometimes based on how we were raised, how we want to be perceived by others, or how some influential woman in our lives has impacted us in tiny little ways.

Femininity can be demonstrated outwardly.  The way we fix our hair, the way we dress, the way we walk, the way we speak.  But, I think more importantly, true femininity springs from the inside....from the heart or spirit.  In I Peter 3, the Bible addresses the outward appearance and tells us not to let it be our sole focus as women.  Our worth, beauty and femininity does not ultimately come from the outward, but from the inward....that quiet spirit which is in the sight of God of great worth.  THIS is what I've been trying to define this past year.  THIS is the beauty I want to cultivate in my life.  THIS is hard.

In the midst of working 3 part-time jobs, keeping a house, raising 2 kids, attempting to be a good wife, maintaining friendships with others, participating in church, practicing/playing for the church choir and a myriad of other responsibilities in my life, it is downright hard to have a quiet spirit.  My spirit can oftentimes most of the time just be characterized as stressed and hurried and impatient.  I find myself talking to people in rapid-fire speech so I can move on to the next thing on my list of to-dos....instead of taking the time to look them in the eye and truly engage in a conversation.  I rush my family out the door so as not to be late....and get upset with my kids when they can't find their shoes.  I drive like a crazy person to make it to work 2 minutes earlier....instead of taking the time to enjoy the drive, the breeze, the music on the radio.  My life is on constant fast-forward.  I may dress to kill, my hair be perfectly coiffed, all my physical flaws covered with just the right skirt/makeup/shoes, and my new necklace perfectly in place....in order words I may look meticulously feminine outwardly....and inside I'm a boiling pot of impatience and stress.

For me, and maybe for you, defining true femininity starts with cultivating that quiet and gentle spirit referenced in I Peter.  I love fashion, shopping, and all things girly like that, but if in my hurry through life I run roughshod over those I care about, and even the strangers at the gas pump or nail shop....then what good are my so-called feminine charms?  I would argue that this attitude nullifies femininity.

My solution?  Well, maybe not so much a solution as a work in progress.  I get up 45-60 minutes earlier than necessary, cook myself a nice breakfast (no kids, no husband....they get pop-tarts....yes, it's true) and sit down at my breakfast table to read Scripture, meditate, pray and think through my day.  This has been such a blessing in my life and sometimes is the only time of day that I have all to myself.  I attempt to slow down while driving, I roll the windows down and thank God for the breeze, the sunshine, anything at all.  I try (and this is so hard for me) to slow down and actually talk to people and LISTEN to their replies.  My husband and kids will attest that this is an ongoing struggle.  But at least I'm struggling!  I want to learn the art of slowing down, of being thankful for people and things and have that quiet, humble, gentle spirit of Scripture.  This is where my true femininity starts.  The rest is just playing dress-up.

The Feminine Shape

There are multitudes of studies and research articles online about how the feminine differs from the masculine.  I'm not going to go into all the differences in brain waves, body composition, and physical limitations, etc.  What I do want to look at is the feminine shape.  Lumping the majority of the human race together into gender groups, you can see vast differences in body shape alone.  Men tend to be linear.  Hard angles, lean muscle, broad shoulders...very geometric.  Women tend to be fluid.  Softer features, curves, finer bone structure.  If you've ever seen an old rendering of a woman's body, be it a nude or otherwise, it's like glimpsing the waves of the ocean.  Swells, dips, crests.  It's beautiful and in direct opposition to the hard lines of a man's body.

What I'm discovering as I get older (and farther away from trying to obtain the ever-elusive beauty ideals found in Hollywood and magazines) is that women of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, attractive and dare I say it...even sexy.  I loved the Dove commercials from the few years back depicting woman covered in freckles, or with abundant "curves", or scarred; and yet each of these women was beautiful and desirable.  As a Christian, I firmly believe that God gave me the body I have....this body that has a certain shape (not Hollywood lean), with a certain type hair (far from shampoo commercial worthy) with certain skin (let's just say I could keep a dermatologist in business for years with my issues) and a myriad of other characteristics with which I could be dissatisfied. And I have been dissatisfied in the past and still do struggle with these issues; as do most women, if truth be told.  But in my search for femininity, I am learning to embrace and even love this flawed body of which God has deemed me worthy to be a steward.  And part of learning to embrace the body you have is learning about the specific body SHAPE you've been given.  Your body shape will vary a bit based on age and/or weight, but your general body shape is genetic.  So you can thank your ancestors for your big butt or big boobs (or maybe both!).

I've observed 4 basic body types and will list them below.  We'll explore how best to approach your specific shape in separate posts.  Behold, I give you:

The Asparagus

This shape is what most would refer to as "androgynous".  Think supermodels (not the Victoria's Secret kind...the Prada, Ballenciaga, fashion model kind).  There are very few women, in my observation, who fall into this category naturally.  There are women who force themselves into this category due to eating disorders or extreme fitness routines.  Women with this natural shape tend to be tall, lean, willowy....with long legs, long necks, long torsos, etc.



The Apple

This is one of the 2 main body shapes for women.  If you gain weight primarily in your upper body (stomach), then you are an apple shape.  If you have a larger bust and stomach and then lean legs, you are an apple shape.  Some would refer to is as a triangle, if you tend to have broad shoulders as well.





The Pear

This is the other main body shape for women....and let me personally welcome you to my world.   Hi, my name is Heather and I'm a pear!  If you gain weight mostly in your lower half (hips, thighs, butt), then you are a pear.  Also, notice the significant lack of upper "pearness" in this picture.  Women of this body shape typically have very small busts which are out of proportion to their lower half.  We're the ones with an A/B cup and "junk in our trunks".





The Barbie

Finally, we have the much-coveted hourglass figure, made popular by Barbie dolls worldwide.  If your upper and lower body are proportionate with a tiny waist then you are an hourglass shape.  This would be what most people would describe as the feminine ideal shape...however, in actuality, there don't seem to be many people with this natural body shape.  Enter the corset - where everyone can achieve this sought-after look!

After looking at these pics/descriptions can you pick out your natural body shape?  Have you reached the point in life where you can look at your body shape objectively and appreciatively?  

I'll write more later about each individual shape and how to look for femininity in dressing your particular shape.

So now I'm a blogger....for real....

Unless you count my brief foray into blogging 6 years ago (amounting to a total of maybe 5 posts), I've mostly sat on the sidelines and read blogs.  Fashion blogs, food blogs, home organization/decor blogs, fitness blogs, and on and on and on.  People ask me where I learned to eat like I do....my answer, "From blogs".  Ladies want to know where I learned about fashion...."From blogs".  That latest gluten-free dessert recipe..."From blogs."  I've always enjoyed reading other people's thoughts, but figured I had nothing worthwhile to share that hadn't already been put out on the blogosphere.

However, over the past year I've put a lot of thought into femininity and specifically, "What makes me unique as a woman?"  Webster defines "femininity" as "the quality or nature of the female sex".  Vague, hmm?  I am a female and my nature is essentially female.  Well, I already knew that.  I'm more interested in what it looks like to be feminine, feels like to be feminine, what our culture says about femininity, and ultimately, does God say anything about my femininity.  I want to get my thoughts and impressions down somewhere (semi) permanent.  Outside of a diary, what's the next best thing? Why, putting my thoughts and opinions on the internet, of course!

In all seriousness, this blog is an attempt to continue to define what feminine means for ME.  All opinions will be my own and are therefore personal...as in, your opinions may very well differ from mine.  And that's fine.  I'm not trying to impose my definition of feminine onto anyone.  But I do feel that after years of reading blogs, magazines, culling through my own closet, hits/misses in fashion, fitness and food.....maybe I have a little something to share with others.

So, feel free to join me as I seek to explore and define femininity in all it's varied forms.