The Lies Found in Comparisons - Part 2

The battle of comparisons usually takes place in our minds.  Very rarely would we dare voice the thoughts that we harbor about others.  Often we say the very opposite of what we're thinking; maybe in hopes of distracting others so they don't delve deeper into how we really feel or what we really think.  We may be dying inside; literally tearing ourselves apart with negative thoughts about our own self worth - but we paste on a smile, tell everyone we're doing "great" and move on quickly so they can't see behind the words.  We dress ourselves up in fancy attire and put on our new shoes, so people will notice the clothing and not the person within the clothing.  We hide behind the walls of our own homes instead of inviting people inside to see that we are not the perfect wife, mother and homemaker everyone thinks we are.  These actions and reactions flow from our negative thoughts - that we are not "enough".

However, there is another side to the battle that takes place in our minds.  Inside the same mind that harbors thoughts of never measuring up, there are also thoughts like these:

• What is she thinking wearing that outfit? (My clothes are much more stylish.)
• Are those crumbs on her kitchen floor? (I would never allow my floors to get that dirty.)
• I would never allow my children to act like that in church. (They should use our method of child training.)
• She really ought not to be singing in public. (My voice is much smoother than hers.)
• What is she listening to?  Madonna? (My music standards are much more pleasing to God.)
• They almost got divorced? (My marriage is stronger than hers.)
• She works outside the home? (She should be available to my children 24/7 - like me.)

These are actually tame thoughts.  They can be much worse.  What do we accomplish by thinking those things?  To put it simply, it makes us feel better.  When we compare ourselves and come out favorably in our own minds, it makes us feel better about our own insecurities. For a while, we can ignore our own doubts and fears about ourselves and how well we measure up (those pesky thoughts of "I am not enough") while concentrating on how far short they fall. But what's worse, is when we put on a faux-smile and compliment the person we just belittled inwardly.  "Oh, your house looks great!" or "Well, don't you look fancy today!".  All the while smiling smugly in our own minds because we "know" we are better. And therein we find the second lie in comparison - "I am better."

What we fail to realize in our superior comparisons is that we really are no better.  We cannot be a better person; because we are all sinners.  Remember what we talked about earlier? There is nothing good in us.  Absolutely nothing.  There is nothing intrisically different between myself and a prostitute.  We are both sinners in need of God's mercy and grace. But, you say, what about the fact that I'm a child of God and she is not?  Doesn't that make me better?  No!  If you had anything to do with your salvation, then maybe there would be a reason to make that claim. But the truth is that we did absolutely nothing to merit our salvation. We couldn't even choose Him, apart from his grace!  He had to enable us to make the choice.  If we were unable, in our fallen state, to even make the choice; if our eyes were completely blinded until God chose to open them; then how could you possibly say that his choice of you to be his child makes you better than one he did not choose? 

And to carry the thought further, how can you say that you are better in any way (physical appearance, family behavior, material possessions, talents) when God has given you everything that you have...and conversely, has withheld everything that she (or he) does not have?  The sovereignty of God makes your superior comparisons null and void.  If God chose to bless you with a large home and disposable income with which to decorate it, you should be thankful - not look down on someone else for their lack of stylish decor when they may not have the money to decorate as you do.  If God chose to bless you with organizational skills that make it easy for you to keep up with your household chores, you should be thankful for that gift - not look down your nose at your sister in Christ who struggles to keep up with her household tasks and care for her children at the same time.  If God chose to bless you with a thin and lithe body, you should be thankful - not look with disdain on those who are trying to be healthy but whose bodies are scarred by childbearing, weight fluctations or physical flaws.  If God chose to bless your childrearing efforts and your children are always well-behaved, then be thankful - don't judge someone else because their children are testing the limits of independence.  When we compare ourselves with a mindset of superiority, we are making ourselves idols in our own minds.  We think they should live up to our standards (of beauty, behavior, possessions).

Only by focusing on God, can I find self worth after my negative comparisons and only by focusing on God can I view myself properly in light of my superior comparisons.  God is the measuring stick - not another person.  And when I view myself in light of God, my comparisons can be viewed through a true lens - not a warped one of my own making.  Those negative thoughts that "I am not enough" pale in the light of God's love demonstrated toward me.  Those superior thoughts of "I am better" are overtaken by the realization that only by God's grace am I the person I am.  My response in both cases should be an overwhelming gratefulness to God!  When I choose to put my eyes on Him (because He alone deserves that kind of focus), all those other comparisons fall by the wayside as I respond in joy and thankfulness for what He has done.

The Lies Found in Comparisons - Part 1

This week, I wanted to do a 3-part series on the harmful lies found in comparing ourselves with others.  I'm hoping by putting some of my thoughts on this subject into the blogosphere for all to see, it will help me come to terms with the lies I tell myself, but also maybe help some of my readers who also live with the fall-out from these lies on a regular basis.

Picture with me a woman seated at a table having dinner with her fiance.  She is seated facing the door to the restaurant and they are engaged in conversation.  Someone walks in the door to eat and the woman at the table surreptiously surveys the new entrant from top to bottom, all while maintaining the conversation with her future spouse.  With the quirk of an eyebrow, noticed only by her fiance, she conveys a message of distate, censure, pride or sometimes acceptance.  She does this little charade with everyone who enters the restaurant.  What would you think of a woman who compared herself to every other person walking in the door?  What would you think if you could see inside her head to witness the negative comparisons but also the prideful feelings of superiority?  What would you think if I said that woman was me?  Comparing myself to others is probably the biggest struggle with sin in my entire life...it's not pretty.

I have a sneaking suspicion that most people struggle with comparisons between themselves and others. It might not be the huge battle that it is for me....but then again, it may.  Men are subject to these thought patterns, but I think we, as woman, are far more prone to comparisons and then - past the comparisons - the horribly negative thoughts invoked by those comparisons.  Do any of the following internal conversations sound familiar?

"Her house is so beautiful!  Look at the beautiful framed pictures of her children.  Her furniture is spotlessly clean and she has so much open space.  Gosh, I can't even remember the last time I mopped my floors!  My kids school pictures for the past 3 years are still in their vinyl envelopes.  What kind of mom and housekeeper am I?"

"Look at that outfit....it's perfection.  I bet she has a closet full of clothes like that with shoes to match.  What am I doing in these sweat pants in public?  Is that a coffee stain on my shirt?  Who goes out of the house looking like this?  Me, that's who...."

"I am so fat!  The mirror doesn't lie.  Look at the way my fat bulges over my pants and those stretch marks - they'll be there til the day I die.  How could my husband ever find me attractive anymore?  I bet so-and-so doesn't have stretch marks. She sure doesn't look like she has any flab. I bet her husband is all over her!  Guess it's time for another diet."

"Why am I even at church today?  My kids clothes don't match and Johnny didn't brush his teeth.  I forgot my Bible and yelled at my husband this morning because he was watching ESPN instead of getting dressed.  That lady sitting in front of me probably doesn't deal with stuff like this.  Her hair and makeup are perfect, her children are in matching outfits and all have their Bibles ready, and her husband has his arm around her like she's a precious treasure.  How can God love and bless me unless I do a better job as a Christian wife and mother?"

Ladies, nothing can steal your joy as a feminine Christian woman more than these types of thoughts!  They lead us away from God and instill in us the lie that "I am not enough."  I am not organized enough to decorate my house and keep it clean.  I am not stylish enough to be relevant in this culture.  I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, or tall enough to meet expectations.  I am not a good enough wife, mother, housekeeper.  I am not spiritual enough to please God.  Aren't you tired of not being "enough"?

The cold, hard fact is that - on our own - we are never enough.  We are thorougly depraved sinners with a heart filled with deceit and sin.  Look it up in Jeremiah 17:9. It doesn't get much plainer than that.  We are never naturally content. We always look outside ourselves to find validation and then all we find is other people searching for the same thing from us.  We are created beings who rebelled against our Creator and, in our natural state, flout that rebellion in His face at every turn.  There is nothing desirable, perfect or good in any of us - in our natural state.  However, in one simple phrase God overrides all of our inadequacies.  He calls himself "I AM".  He IS what we are not.  He, put simply, is enough.  And when the love of One who is "enough" embraces us, then only through that love and embrace can we, too, be "enough".  If you are a child of God, you are enough.  This is not to say that there is no room for improvement in your life; but you, as a human being lovingly designed by God, are enough.  You may not have the latest fashions, a blog-worthy house filled with children and a husband who adores you, a perfectly toned body, or a model Christian walk - but you have Christ!  He has loved you, chosen you, given you His hard-won and priceless righteousness, intercedes before a just and holy God for you and declares there is nothing else you need to do to gain His favor and acceptance.  How could that possibly not be enough for us?  There is nothing else we need.  You, in Christ, are enough.  Don't let your comparisons and insecurities blind you to the truth!  What's worse is that this lie is usually not propogated from outside sources, although that can and does happen.  Most often, we tell this lie to ourselves...over and over again.  We believe the lie and by doing so, tell our Savior that he is not enough for us; that we need something else (more possessions, a skinnier body, a bigger house, a more romantic husband, approval, etc) in order to be happy and fulfilled.  Don't believe the lie! Don't get caught up in comparing yourself to others who walk a different path, in a different body, in a different family and with different possessions.  Rejoice in Christ as your "all in all".  You will be far more content and fulfilled if you do!

Weight loss & maintenance - what worked for me

In light of what I wrote earlier this week, and also as a way to get down in a semi-permanent place my thoughts on this subject after several years, I'm going to post about what worked for me as far as weight loss and maintenance.  Please bear in mind that what works for one person may not work for all people.  You may take what I say here and try it with drastically different results than what I achieved.  I am not a bariatric doctor nor do I claim to have all the answers. My sister-in-law does physical fitness for a living and so if you have any difficult questions, I'd probably refer you to her!  But with all that said, I wanted to document what I did to lose the weight, what I tried over the first 4 years of weight loss maintenence and finally, what I've been doing with great success (for me) this year.

First, here are some very important points:

 

1.  Your weight or body shape does not, and never will, define you as a woman or a child of God.

2.  Although you may be content to be overweight, there are real health benefits to be had in dropping excess weight.

3.  Your battles with your self-image and food will not disappear as the weight comes off. 

4.  It is possible to lose weight and keep it off for the long term...but it is never easy.  There are no quick fix, long term weight solutions. Be prepared to work at it for the rest of your life.

The Honeymoon Phase:
My initial weight loss came by good 'ol calorie counting and hard physical workouts.  It was the same for every person I ever met in the gym that was making progress with their weight loss goals.  The loss was slow (1-2 pounds per week) but steady until I lost the intial 50 pounds.  In that initial period, I did not eat McDonalds or bake a lot of cakes. It helped to be accountable to my personal trainer in that first 5-6 week period.  He was impartial, didn't know me outside the gym and I didn't feel judged as a person if he rebuked me for my eating (i.e. previous attempts at having my poor husband keep me accountable).  Living up to someone else's preset expections has always been easy for me, so when he told me to be at the gym "x" times per week and eat this and that....and  I knew I'd have to answer to him at our next session....well, I wanted to be the best little weight loss student there was!  When my rather expensive sessions with him were up, I had already dropped close to 20 pounds and was excited about my progress.  He left me with some workouts written on a piece of paper and encouraged me to keep up with my eating plan; and I've never seen him again.  So, I continued to count calories, eat as healthily as I could (with many slipups, of course) and work out obsessively.  So, counting calories will help you lose weight; as most everyone already knows. Working out in some way (cardio or lifting, or preferably both) will ramp up your weight loss and help to reshape your body.  I hate to sweat, but I hated my flabby body more than the sweat, more than the restrictive meals, and more than the early morning alarm clocks.  And it worked....for a time.

The Intevening Years:
So, most people accomplish what I did above at some point in their life.  Whether losing 10 pounds for a cruise, 20 pounds after a baby comes, or to meet some other goal - we all lose some weight and feel that we have conquered the world.  But then comes the hard part.  If you think it's hard to lose the weight, it's 10 times harder to keep it off for the long term.  There's an excitement in dropping a dress size, putting on pants you haven't worn in 5 years or buying new underwear because your old ones no longer stay up.  But what happens eventually is there are no more exciting plateaus to reach.  You've reached your goal, and now what?  What happens most often is we resort right back to the way we were eating before we met our goal...and the weight comes back.  This is the lose/gain roller coaster most women have ridden at some point or other.  It's not terribly hard to eat grilled chicken and salads when you're trying to lose 20 pounds because that end goal is getting nearer and your pants are getting looser.  But it's hard to continue to eat grilled chicken and salads for the neverending future!  Honestly, this is where most people fail in their weight loss goals.  And I can state for a fact that if I wasn't such a gym fanatic over those first 3 years after losing the weight, I would have put it all back on.  Working out at the gym for 1-2 hours, 5 days a week, burned enough calories for me to be able to eat what I wanted within reason.  So, gradually, after losing the weight I moved back to eating at Mcdonalds, pumpkin spice donuts at Dunkin Donuts, and baking lots of goodies in my own kitchen.  So, lesson learned (albeit not necessarily a healthy one) - if you work out hard enough you can eat whatever you want. I did go through spurts of careful eating - usually in response to a particularly hard negative-thought period, or if a friend at the gym challenged me to try something new, or if I tried on clothes at the store and I no longer fit into every sz 8 I pulled off the racks.   The problem is that most people are not going to compulsively workout at the gym and therefore, there's nothing stopping the weight from coming back.  But here's another lesson learned which turned out to be far more important for the future.  After 3 more years of working out, I realized I wasn't getting any smaller.  Even during the times I cut back on eating what I wanted and ate "clean", I would only lose a few pounds and those pounds would be won with sweat and tears.  Then as soon as I quit my challenging eating plan, those few pounds would come back and I'd be right back where I was. Never putting on those 50 pounds again, but also getting no smaller for all my efforts.  It's frustrating and disheartening, to say the least.  Toward the end of those 3 years and after doing a lot of research and reading on the topic, I came to the conclusion that my body is rather happy at a size 6/8 and will fight my efforts to lose any more weight.  There comes a point in your weight loss journey where your body will stabilize and, outside of enormous unsustainable effort on your part, will not go any lower in weight/size.  I think if many woman would quit trying to obtain an ideal set by Hollywood or New York City and listen to their bodies they would be far happier, content and not starving all the time.  I must end this part though with another observation.  At the end of this 3 year period, I was burned out on the gym (and had quit going), I was eating whatever I wanted (and had put 15 pounds back on) and I was not happy.  Weight loss is not a cure-all for your emotional well-being and happiness.  I'm raising my hand as the poster child for this thought!

My Current State:
In October of last year I started toying with a revolutionary idea to try in 2012, but first I wanted to see if I could maintain my weight by careful eating only (I'd already quit going to the gym).  This plan was an utter failure and I quickly put on 15 pounds over the holidays.  So, lesson learned - the gym workouts were the only reason I had kept the weight off as long as I had.  But I was so TIRED of going to the gym.  After contemplating for 2 months, I decided to commit to eating a certain way for an entire year with no cheating.  No birthday cake, no special occasion celebratory treats, no Easter/Halloween candy, nothing.  It honestly took me 2 months to get up the nerve to even try it.  But after buying my pants last winter in a size bigger than I'd worn in 4 years, I knew it was time to do something.  And here's my grand eating plan for 2012 - eat natural.  Sounds easy, right?  Yeah, until people look at you like your crazy and your own mother says she has no idea why you would ever commit to something like that, much less be successful at it!  By "eat natural" I meant that I would eat nothing processed or man-made (man made = not in its natural form).  That pretty much meant meat, veggies and fruits, and rice.  And not made into casseroles or mashed up with 5 other ingredients.  I would drink water and coffee.  My only treat would be extremely dark chocolate.  And yes, people think I'm crazy.  However, it is now 10 months into 2012 and I can honestly say that food is now in its proper place in my life and I feel more balanced and natural in maintaining my weight than I ever have in my life.  There's no more planning what to eat at the next meal, eating snacks between meals, looking forward to celebrations just for the cake and ice cream....and there's also no more weight fluctuations.  I dropped those excess 15 pounds in the first few months, albeit very slowly, and the weight has even crept down farther over what I'd lost while going to the gym.  I have not worked out one day this year (unless you count the occasional family walk), have not restricted myself with calories, fat content, portion size or mealtimes, and eat chocolate almost every day.  I no longer own a scale and have no idea how much I weigh.  All I know is that every single thing in my closet fits and fits well, and those items are a size 6 or 8.  That's all I need to know.  My stomach is not flat or hard anymore, my calves are normal sized, and I no longer have the biceps I once did.  However, weight maintenance is no longer arduous work and my cellulite has not returned (a blessing!) even if I'm softer all over than I was before.  Lesson learned - I can give up foods happily for the long term if the trade-off is a balanced approach to eating and an effortless weight loss maintenance.  The thing is, what I'm doing may not work for you.  You may need to find your own weight loss "nirvana".  And that's fine, it's wonderful, it's normal!  On the other side of the intervening years of weight loss maintenance, you will HAVE to find something that you can work with over the rest of your life. Because if you, at any time, go back to the way things were before you lost the weight, you will regain it.  That's why it's a lifelong struggle...for some of us more than others.  Food can be addicting - whether it's in the way it makes you feel, or the comfort it brings after a bad day, or the fun it provides as part of a get together.  But food is just food....and that's all it ever needs to be.

So, in conclusion, here are all my "lessons learned" in an easy to read format:

 

1.  The doctors are right. Cutting calories and exercising really do work.

2.  If you work out hard enough and long enough, you can pretty much eat what you want.  But this is not necessarily healthy.

3.  There comes a point where your body is satisfied at its current weight/size, and any more sustained loss will be an enormous, unsustainable struggle. 

4.  Weight loss is not a cure-all for your negative body image, unhappiness, or (insert any number of problems here).

5.  I (note the "I" - this is a personal decision) can give up foods happily for the long term if the trade-off is a balanced approach to eating and an effortless weight loss maintenance. 

6.  You must find a balanced way of eating/exercising that you can maintain for the rest of your life.

 

Ladies, weight loss and physical health is a difficult subject for a lot of us.  We carry baggage from our genetics, our childhood/adolescence, negative thoughts and maybe negative comments from others, pressure from Hollywood or magazines, and myriad other sources.  Again, I would encourage you to lose excess weight for your own physical health; but during the struggle to lose or maintain, I encourage you even more to take that baggage to the Lord.  He is aware of your genetics because He gave them to you; He is aware of every negative comment, look or thought that you or others have made about yourself; He is not taken by surprise at the current trend to be thin and toned.  He knows and yet, even as we struggle, He loves us JUST THE WAY WE ARE.  What better thought in which to rest while on this life-long physical and emotional journey of weight loss and fitness?

 

As always, I am open to questions both here on the blog and privately.

 



 

Can Femininity & Lack of Fitness Co-exist?

This is a subject very close to my heart and the more I ponder writing about it, the more I wonder if I should even be discussing it at all.  Our own level of fitness and weight is a very personal matter.  Some women are very comfortable in their own skin and carrying some extra weight or whether they can do 20 push-ups in a row is not a big deal for them.  But I would wager that for the vast majority of women, extra weight can be a source of low self esteem, negative thoughts, depression and a general feeling of unhappiness with ourselves and our bodies.  That kind of negativity does not foster a feminine spirit and so I felt it needed to be addressed.  This is an area that will be a constant personal battle for the rest of my life.  I've done the diets, the crazy gym routine, the roller coaster of lose/gain many, many times. So I feel I have some insights into this subject....both physically and emotionally.

The first thing I want to make plain is that how big or small, physically fit or "soft" you are does not define you as a woman.  You can be 50 pounds overweight and still be a feminine women both in looks and attitude.  You can have 5% body fat and flatter-than-flat abs and still be a feminine woman.  Femininity is deeper than our physical appearance or shape of our bodies.  We know this intellectually, but often, I think, have a hard time internalizing that fact.  When we are carrying extra weight, it's hard to feel beautiful and feminine....at least on a consistent basis.  I know, for me, when I'm feeling less than fit or when I'm feeling less than beautiful my coping mechanism is to shop.  If I have something new it makes me feel pretty and special and feminine - for a while.  Until the new outfit is put away and I look at myself in the mirror and those old feelings of inadequacy, guilt and negativity return. My coping mechanism is temporary and how feminine I look and feel in my new clothing is shortlived.  As women we are all feminine inherantly just be being "female". However, sometimes it's hard to maintain a feminine spirit of joy, contentment and peace when our minds are assiling us with thoughts of negative body image and how overweight we are.  I say all of this out of personal experience. 

Most of you only know me as I am now, or maybe as I was back in college.  Five years ago, I was not the same person I am now, physically or emotionally.  Five years ago, I weighed almost 200 pounds at 5'6 with a medium build.  The weight came gradually - those 10-15 pounds when we first got married and I was cooking on my own for the first time, the pregnancy weight that I never totally lost after each baby was born/weaned, the stay-at-home mom job that left me around food 24 hours a day.  I didn't cram cake into my mouth at every opportunity or eat fast food every day.  It was slow and methodical and often crept up on me.  I'd get out my clothes from the previous winter and realize I needed to go up another size, but that was OK. Just another opportunity to shop!  I still felt beautiful at times during those years....wearing a new outfit, or if I found a flattering picture (which was rare, I avoided pictures at all costs), or when my hair was longer and curlier.  What I can't remember is having much joy, much love, or much contentment.  I remember looking at pictures and cringing inside.  What I saw in the mirror was not what other people were seeing.  I was seeing some skewed version of myself where I looked healthy and happy...until I saw the reality in pictures and realized that how I viewed myself was false.  And that just added to the negativity and the coping mechanism - shopping.  I was also far from God at this time, at least internally.  Outwardly, everything was great. We were involved in church, active in working with the youth group, raising 2 adorable children in a cute little house with 2 new cars in the driveway.  Inwardly, I was just apathetic for the most part.

For no reason, other than a whim and because the government sent us some sort of rebate check and we had some free cash, I joined a gym and hired a personal trainer for 5 weeks.  My husband told me later he thought I'd never go, much less stick it out.  That's how non-commital I was about anything involving sweat or long-term weight loss. He'd lived through my attempts at "reform" before.  For some reason, my resolve was different this time.  I started to lose weight, got into a gym routine and never looked back.  In 9 months, I dropped about 50 pounds.  I was at the gym every weekday unless it was a major holiday....at 4:30am for 1.5 hours or more.  Once I met my weight loss goals, I kept going to the gym. Trained for and ran a 5K, was able to best some of the men at the gym on the machines, developed friendships through classes and working out routinely, had shoulder muscles I was quite proud of, a stomach that was flat and calves that were rock hard.  I did this for 3.5 years....and the weight stayed off (for the most part).  But what I noticed through all of that was that as fit as I was out the outside, the internal war with my mind was still the same.  There were still fat days, still days when I felt ugly and my thoughts were always centered on food and how hard I'd have to work at the gym to maintain my weight while still being able to eat what I wanted.  And something else never changed - that coping mechanism of shopping and outfitting myself in something new so as to make those negative thoughts disappear for a while.  After all, I'd lost 50 pounds and now needed an entire new wardrobe.

At the end of my almost-4-year stint at the gym, I was left with 50 pounds lost (and 15 regained), almost as much negative body-image as before with a dose of pride thrown in over how much better I looked than "those" people, spiritual apathy, and thousands of dollars of credit card debt from my spending sprees.  My husband finally made the decision to cancel all of our credit cards and we entered a debt-management program (to my shame, the vast majority of the debt was my own...he didn't even know about some of the cards/balances).  I was burnt out at the gym, tired of going to bed at 9pm and getting up at 4am, baking up a storm in the kitchen and eating all the goodies myself.  Something was wrong.  I quit going to the gym a year ago in September.  I put on 15 pounds last fall and had to buy bigger pants when I swore I never would again.  I couldn't shop very much because we now had to save cash for all purchases which is extremely hard for me.  But all of this came with a bright side - God was reawakening my heart.  I had a desire to read his Word for the first time in literally years, He was teaching me about His love and how far-reaching it really is, He was showing me that my feelings of beauty and femininity need to be satisfied in Him (not my husband and not my closet), He was giving me a small group at church where I could air all my issues without feeling judged.  These were things I needed far more right then than my gym routines, my holiday baking or new clothes.  By the end of the year, I felt a new focus physically, mentally and emotionally.  We went to the mountains with friends for the New Years weekend and I can remember sitting on the swing, wrapped in a quilt, in the early morning hours with  my coffee overlooking a river and thanking God for what He was going to do in my life and in our family during this year of 2012.
 
I'd love to say that my personal fitness and femininity journey has been smooth sailing since then.  But I doubt I'll ever be able to say that on this side of Heaven.  I still have ugly thoughts about myself and my body.  I still have days where I curse my skin and body shape and wish for something different. I still struggle (oh, so often) with shopping and overspending as a way to compensate for these things.  But honestly, I'd rather struggle and have that struggle push me toward God and his love than be the apathetic person I was before.  There is joy and victory in the struggle, and a haven to be found in God when I can find nothing lovable or good about myself.  I've proven repeatedly that my contentment and feelings of worth cannot be found within myself because, regardless of my weight, the struggle is still there.  I'm learning that as much as I desire for my husband to tell me I'm beautiful and skinny and desired, it's not his job to affirm my worth and it's selfish of me to expect that from him constantly.  My self worth, self esteem and negative body image need to be laid at God's feet....so then He can pick me up and tell me - yet again - how much He loves and value me.  That kind of peace and joy and contentment, that spirit of femininity, can only be found in Him - not in what I weigh, how defined my muscles are, or what new clothes I've found to wear.

I want to encourage you to take a look at what you tell yourself about your body, your weight and your physical fitness level - and then give those negative thoughts (whether they come often or rarely) to God and rest in His overwhelming love.  True femininity is found in the contentment that only He can provide.

**I am no expert on weight loss or physical fitness and can only give insight into what has worked for me over the years.  I can honestly say that I am at the most balanced point in my life as far as my attitude toward food and get asked sometimes what plan I'm following or how I've kept the weight off for almost 5 years. I'll do my best to address this later this week and provide a few tips for long-term weight loss and maintenance.**

Denim Trends & Tips

After the heavy post from last week, let's dial things back and talk a bit about denim.  Specifically, current trends and tips for finding a good jean for your body type.

Denim is primarily an American obsession - starting way back with overalls and progressing to the ever-ubuquitous Levis and now the current glut of designer jeans which can cost hundreds of dollars per pair.  If you go to Europe (which I have, albeit only to Spain although I've read about fashion in England and Paris), you won't notice women wearing denim very often.  They stick more to tailored black trousers or skirts.  You won't walk the streets of Paris and find many women sporting colored jeans or jeans with animal print!  Since most of us are red-blooded Americans and own at least one, if not more, pair of jeans, let's discuss current denim trends and then a few tips for finding a great fit for your body or a look you're trying too achieve.

The first thing you need to think about when shopping for jeans is wash. Remember acid-washed jeans from the 80's?  We'd really rather not!  The "wash" of your jeans is basically how light or dark they are.  The main thing to remember is the darker the wash the dressier the denim.  Jeans come in all shapes and colors, but a lighter colored jean is usually a much more casual look.  Dark jeans can be dressed up with heels and a nice top/jacket and actually be almost as refined looking as a nice pair of trousers.   Also, the lighter your jeans are, the more prone they are to highlight areas you'd rather camoflauge and to add visual bulk.  If you buy a nice dark-wash jean, they will make you appear leaner and (just like a darker pair of trousers) hide imperfections.  Also, to get denim to be significantly lighter than the normal indigo color, they must be washed repeatedly and this makes the denim softer, but also thinner.  Hence, darker wash denim is usually thicker and gives a bit more support thereby helping to hide "jiggly bits". 

The next thing to think about when shopping for denim is the level of distress with which you're comfortable. We've all seen the jeans sold in stores with holes already ripped in the thighs or knees.  That's called distressing and it can vary from actual holes, all the way to a light abrasion on the pockets and/or hems to give the jeans a worn look as if you've had them for quite some time.   The more distressed your denim, the more casual you will look (obviously).  Most of us don't buy denim with holes and if our jeans develop holes, we throw them away!  However, there are types of distressing which are a bit more widely worn.  The most common types are "whiskering" and "fading".  If you look closely at some jeans, across the thighs near the crotch and sometimes around the backs of the knees, you might find whiskering. These are lighter lines in the color of the denim and are put there on purpose.  Also, some denim has faded areas on the thighs and sometimes on the butt/back of the leg area.  Again, this is all to give the appearance you've had your jeans for years and they've "worn in" that way.  The biggest thing about fading and/or whiskering is it draws attention to an area of the body that most women tend to want to hide.  Being a pear shape, I have no need to highlight my thighs in any way....they are the biggest parts of my body.  Whiskering on my jeans draws attention away from the length of my legs and right to the tops of my thighs where I least desire attention. Fading on the thighs again draws the eye right to the thigh area.  If you want to avoid drawing attention to those areas, look for jeans with a uniform wash.  These have the same coloring throughout with no distressing, whiskering, wear or fading.  They are more flattering for most body types.  Jeans can do a great deal to lenthen your legs, make you appear taller/leaner and give you abutt (or play up the one you have).  Usually, I've noticed that a uniform, dark wash jeans can do all of these things best.

Another thing to think about when shopping for denim is rise.  This is the measurement from the crotch seam to the top of the waistband.  High rise jeans are those that reach at or near your belly button.  Some people consider them "mom jeans" and they certainly can be. However, if you're looking to lengthen shorter legs (like me), have a bit of muffin top to hide (like me), and don't want to flash the world with your butt crack when you sit down(just keeping it real) a high rise jean might be worth looking into if you're willing to pair them with heels.  Mid-rise jeans are most common, at least right now since the low-rise trend has been on it's way out.  The rise on these usually ends 1-2 inches below your belly button. These also do a good job hiding muffin top and keeping your butt hidden where it belongs, but can be worn with anything from tennis shoes to high heels.  You can't go wrong with a mid-rise jean.  Low rise jeans are usually reserved for the younger crowd; although they can be worn by older women - albeit carefully.  A low rise jean sits 3 inches or lower below your belly button and can even sit as low as the top of your hip bone.  If you're thin, these can look awesome. If you're anything other than thin, they can pose some real problems.  Muffin top is greatly exaggerated, even for those who are in great shape.  Your underwear will most likely show as soon as you sit down unless you're wearing a very long top.  Also, low rise jeans - because they end so far below your waist - visually shorten your legs.  That's why I encourage only the very young or very long-legged among us to wear them. 

Yet another thing to consider is length.  There's nothing more disappointing than seeing a woman in a great pair of jeans for her body, and then notice that she's wither walking all over the hems or the hems are flapping around her ankles.  You cannot buy one pair of jeans and expect them to work with both heels and flip flops.  If you intend to wear your jeans with heels, buy them long enough to hit about .5-1" above the ground when you're wearing those heels.  That means all of your heels might not work with that pair of jeans either. There's a big difference between wearing a 2" heel and a 4" heel. Obviously the same pair will not work with both sets of heels.  And on the flip side, if you intend to wear your jeans with flip flops, flats or tennis shoes, the hems should barely brush the ground.  A tailor charges around $6 to hem jeans. It's worth it to have them fit properly!  If you can't afford 2 pairs of jeans just to wear with different shoes, sometimes it's acceptable to roll the cuff once to accomodate a flat shoe, but for those of us with shorter legs, this does make us look a bit more stumpy.  Think about how and where you'll be wearing those jeans when you're trying them on and then buy the length accordingly.  If you have short legs or are a petite person, buy your jeans in petite sizes....they are cut for your shorter waist and legs.  Ladies, if you are tall or have long legs, you need to look specifically for Tall or Long sizes. These usually have more length in the waist and a good bit more length in the legs. 

The last thing to look at when buying denim is pocket placement & size.  Often, if you want to find a great fitting pair of jeans, you need to try on multiple (as in 20+) pairs.  The reason is that the placement and size of the pockets can make a drastic difference in how a jean looks, especially from behind.  A woman with a larger rear end needs to look for jeans with larger pockets.  A women with a wide rear end needs to look for jeans with pockets set farther apart.  Whether the pocket hits you at the top of your butt curve or the bottom drastically affects whether you appear to have saggy-butt-syndrome.  The pockets needs to be appropriately sized for your rear end and placed in the middle of each butt cheek; or if you're very wide, a bit more toward the middle seam.  As expected, be prepared to try on many pairs. But when you find the one pair that fits great, you might want to buy multiples.

Now, a few quick tips on denim cuts, trends and how to style them:

There are various styles of denim cut and these usually refer to the leg shape.  Here are the basics:

1.  Bootcut - universally flattering; straight through the hip/thigh and then flare slightly below the knee (obviously to accomodate a boot); the amount of flare can be tiny or more obvious.  If you have a larger hip/thigh region, a bit more obvious flare helps to balance out your shape

2.  Flare - more trendy; slim through the hip/thigh and then flare out dramatically at the bottom; low-rise flares were popular several years ago but have been replaced by high rise flares which are great at leg lengthening but should only be worn with some type of heel

3.  Straight - can be very flattering on most body shapes; cut straight from hip/thigh down to the hem and is basically a hybrid between a bootcut and a skinny jean; a true straight cut jean can be hard to find but is actually the oldest style of denim

4.  Skinny - hardest style to wear for multiple body types; cut slim through hip/thigh and then taper down to the hem; usually skinny jeans are low rise or ultra low rise, although you can find them in mid/high rise styles this year; highlight the hip/thigh shape and often need to be balanced out to create a flattering silhouette

You can't go wrong with a nice pair of dark uniform wash, mid-rise, bootcut jeans.  They go with everything and in any situation from dressy to casual. If you can only afford one pair, or only have room in your wardrobe for one pair, that's usually the best way to go.

Styling Tips:

 

1.  Jeans can be worn pretty much anywhere (except a formal setting) and with anything.  Don't limit the jeans in your closet to weekend wear with an old ratty t-shirt.  Throw on a nice top, cardigan and ballet flats and you'll look chic and put together (and comfy) for the grocery store or errands.  Wear a nice silk cami, jacket and heels with jeans for date night instead of a dress.  Jeans aren't just for sweatshirts and tennis shoes. Experiment with what you already have in your closet.

2.  Skinny jeans are popular but that doesn't mean you need to embrace them or wear them.  I would argue that the current trend of brightly colored or patterened denim needs to be passed over by the majority of women.  Snake print skinny jeans? Umm...no!  If you do choose to wear skinny jeans (and I do, although I know they're not the best shape for me), the darker and more uniform the wash, the sleeker they will look. Balance out the slim bottoms with a blousy and/or longer top.  A tunic over skinny jeans is another option that helps to balance out the proportions.  And of course, if you want to embrace the "jeans-tucked-into-boots" trend, you'll need a pair.  But unless you're skinny, keep that upper half balanced with a looser proportioned top or a longer top that covers your butt and hips.

3.  Flare jeans and high rise jeans aren't just for hippies; you just need to know how to wear them.  They should always be worn with some type of heel.  For maximum leg-lengthening, tuck in your shirt and wear a nice belt.  Also, the flare doesn't have to be bell-bottom wide....any kind of flare helps to balance out a wider hip area.  The lighter the wash, the more 70's-throwback you'll appear so if you choose to wear flares or high rise jeans, make sure to keep them dark.

4.  Be willing to try new trends, but don't put a lot of money into them.  I've said this numerous times throughout my blog. There's nothing wrong with embracing a trend and being confident enough to wear it with style. However, if something is trendy that usually means it's not going to be around very long.  Therefore, don't spend a ton of money on a trend, or buy multipes of a trendy item.  It would be worth the money to spend $100 on a pair of mid rise, dark wash, bootcut jeans that will last you 5 years.  It would a waste to spend that same $100 on a pair of python print skinny jeans that will be out of style next year (unless, that is, you have a ton of disposable income to waste on trends...which most of us don't).  Invest in the classic pieces, and then pay $20 for a pair of printed jeans if you want - knowing full well that you'll most likely never wear them past this winter.

As usual, this post is way longer than I meant it to be!  If you have any questions or further advice for people, feel free to comment.

Finding meaning in my Christianity

Well, it's been a while since I've posted here.  Between my annual road trip with my mom and her best friend, and then not feeling as if I had anything to say the weeks have slipped by and suddenly I realize it's been a month since I blogged.  Then as I sat with my coffee at the breakfast table this morning, the Lord smacked me upside the head with a verse and accompanying truth that seems so simple and yet, for me, has profound implications about the way I live my life as a Christian and then again, as a feminine woman.  And suddenly I had something that I needed to write about, something that needed to be put down so I don't easily forget it in the hustle and bustle of my everyday life.

Here's the verse God brought to my attention this morning:  "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." (John 13:35)  I wasn't even reading in John, nor did my normal reading have anything to do with this verse; I'd just memorized it years ago and suddenly the Lord brought it to the forefront of my mind. 

Up until a few years ago, here is how I would have defined my Christanity: "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye (Heather):

1.  am modest in my clothing choices
2.  keep my hair/makeup discreet
3.  read my Bible every day
4.  maintain a long prayer list
5.  give of my tithes to the church and participate in faith promise missions
6.  knock on doors during soulwinning on Thursday nights
7.  go to church each time the doors are open
8.  be involved in every area of ministry for which the Lord has given me talents
9.  avoid any and all appearance of evil (movie theaters, card playing, Blockbuster; sparkling juice)
10.listen only to Christian music artists that are not associated with the mainstream
11.keep a clean home
12.be a good helpmeet to my husband
13. raise my children to be good Christian people
14. associate closely only with other Christians

The list went on, and on, and on.  These are all good things and I have no problem with most of them.  However, the issue is that these things are what I used to determine how Christlike I was.  These are the ways I thought to demonstrate Christ to the world.  And I was dead wrong.  Do you know what people say when I tell them how I used to live (see the list above)?  They look at me like I'm crazy (unbelievers and believers alike).  The only people who thought I was Christlike following the list above were other people who were following the exact same list.  What saddens my heart now is to think of how many people I turned away from Christ due to my self righteous "discipleship".  I know for a fact that I lost the ability to have friends, even in a church setting, because they thought I was too holy and wouldn't want to be friends with them in their lesser state of holiness.  I know for a fact that I avoided all unsaved people - except on Thursday night soulwinning where I confronted them at their front door - as a way to insulate myself in my coccoon of righteousness and not be spotted with the world and its ways.  I know for a fact that, regardless of how well intentioned, I set myself up as a bastion of purity and Christian goodness thinking that by doing all these things listed above, and more, that God would be pleased at how much like Christ I was becoming and others would be drawn to him by observing how set apart and different I was living my life.  I say all of this to my everlasting shame.

Jesus takes my list of superlatives and throws them out the window.  He says other people will know that I am a Christian and his disciple if I love others.  It's that simple....and yet, infinitely difficult.  The shameful thing in my confession of having lived by the above list is that not a single one of those things was done out of love for God or my fellow man.  They were done to curry favor with a God I wasn't sure could be trusted to love me unconditionally and they were done as a way to portray an example to which others should aspire to live.  Love was only shown to those who were like me - those who held to the same standards of discipleship and holiness to which I aspired.  Again, I say this to my everlasting shame.  As much as I tried to be an example to a lost and dying world of what  true Christianity looked like, I truly believe that I ended up pushing them farther away from the kingdom instead of drawing them closer.

Christian, we are called to reflect Christ through love - both for him and others.  And not just other Christians, although that is often difficult enough.  We are called to love the unsaved.  Not just tolerate them while we attempt to bring them into the Christian fold.  That means the ones sitting in the sports bars on a Saturday night, the openly homosexual member of your family, the pierced and tattooed teenager bagging your groceries, and your neighbor who finds herself pregnant out of wedlock.  It means the Christian sister to finds herself in the midst of a divorce, the Christian brother struggling with pornography and the couple trying to find answers for their children who have left the faith.  Love requires actually entering into and caring about people instead of sitting on a high horse of purity and holiness.  Christ doesn't tell us that we exhibit discipleship by our standards - he tells us we exhibit discipleship by our love. And I'll be the first to admit, I am short on love.  I am tired of trying to toe the line of spirituality while others think I'm too good a Christian to befriend or love them.  Do you want to know something else?  I can't even love people on my own.  I can add it to my list up above and yet still fail, time and time again.  Do you honestly think it's possible for a heart that is 'deceitful above all things and desperately wicked" (Jeremiah 17:9) to love others as Christ loved them?  It's laughable.  I can't even love others without the help of the Holy Spirit.  Funny that the first fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians is love.  Notice it doesn't say the fruit of Heather....but the fruit of the spirit.  I can't manufacture love for others, no matter how hard I try.  It is something that the Holy Spirit produces in my life as I rest in Christ and trust that he will bring those traits to fruition in my life.

So, for someone who has relied on a list of do/dont's to define her Christianity, what's to be done?  Ask for God's forgiveness for the self-righteous and prideful spirit.  Pray that He will produce the spirit of love in my life and give me opportunities to show that love to others.  I have a feeling that this love is not going to always be convenient, that it'll sometimes be painful or embarrassing, that I might have to do some loving confronting or learn to keep my big mouth shut.  I know that it'll require a mind and heart shift that only God can provide.  Following a list to define my Christianity is something that I can do very well.  Loving as Christ loved?  That is scary and exhilirating and completely beyond my human abilities.  And yet, if I want to be known as a Christian and a true disciple of Christ, I can do nothing else but let Christ's love shine through me and do my best to just get out of the way.