Finding meaning in my Christianity

Well, it's been a while since I've posted here.  Between my annual road trip with my mom and her best friend, and then not feeling as if I had anything to say the weeks have slipped by and suddenly I realize it's been a month since I blogged.  Then as I sat with my coffee at the breakfast table this morning, the Lord smacked me upside the head with a verse and accompanying truth that seems so simple and yet, for me, has profound implications about the way I live my life as a Christian and then again, as a feminine woman.  And suddenly I had something that I needed to write about, something that needed to be put down so I don't easily forget it in the hustle and bustle of my everyday life.

Here's the verse God brought to my attention this morning:  "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." (John 13:35)  I wasn't even reading in John, nor did my normal reading have anything to do with this verse; I'd just memorized it years ago and suddenly the Lord brought it to the forefront of my mind. 

Up until a few years ago, here is how I would have defined my Christanity: "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye (Heather):

1.  am modest in my clothing choices
2.  keep my hair/makeup discreet
3.  read my Bible every day
4.  maintain a long prayer list
5.  give of my tithes to the church and participate in faith promise missions
6.  knock on doors during soulwinning on Thursday nights
7.  go to church each time the doors are open
8.  be involved in every area of ministry for which the Lord has given me talents
9.  avoid any and all appearance of evil (movie theaters, card playing, Blockbuster; sparkling juice)
10.listen only to Christian music artists that are not associated with the mainstream
11.keep a clean home
12.be a good helpmeet to my husband
13. raise my children to be good Christian people
14. associate closely only with other Christians

The list went on, and on, and on.  These are all good things and I have no problem with most of them.  However, the issue is that these things are what I used to determine how Christlike I was.  These are the ways I thought to demonstrate Christ to the world.  And I was dead wrong.  Do you know what people say when I tell them how I used to live (see the list above)?  They look at me like I'm crazy (unbelievers and believers alike).  The only people who thought I was Christlike following the list above were other people who were following the exact same list.  What saddens my heart now is to think of how many people I turned away from Christ due to my self righteous "discipleship".  I know for a fact that I lost the ability to have friends, even in a church setting, because they thought I was too holy and wouldn't want to be friends with them in their lesser state of holiness.  I know for a fact that I avoided all unsaved people - except on Thursday night soulwinning where I confronted them at their front door - as a way to insulate myself in my coccoon of righteousness and not be spotted with the world and its ways.  I know for a fact that, regardless of how well intentioned, I set myself up as a bastion of purity and Christian goodness thinking that by doing all these things listed above, and more, that God would be pleased at how much like Christ I was becoming and others would be drawn to him by observing how set apart and different I was living my life.  I say all of this to my everlasting shame.

Jesus takes my list of superlatives and throws them out the window.  He says other people will know that I am a Christian and his disciple if I love others.  It's that simple....and yet, infinitely difficult.  The shameful thing in my confession of having lived by the above list is that not a single one of those things was done out of love for God or my fellow man.  They were done to curry favor with a God I wasn't sure could be trusted to love me unconditionally and they were done as a way to portray an example to which others should aspire to live.  Love was only shown to those who were like me - those who held to the same standards of discipleship and holiness to which I aspired.  Again, I say this to my everlasting shame.  As much as I tried to be an example to a lost and dying world of what  true Christianity looked like, I truly believe that I ended up pushing them farther away from the kingdom instead of drawing them closer.

Christian, we are called to reflect Christ through love - both for him and others.  And not just other Christians, although that is often difficult enough.  We are called to love the unsaved.  Not just tolerate them while we attempt to bring them into the Christian fold.  That means the ones sitting in the sports bars on a Saturday night, the openly homosexual member of your family, the pierced and tattooed teenager bagging your groceries, and your neighbor who finds herself pregnant out of wedlock.  It means the Christian sister to finds herself in the midst of a divorce, the Christian brother struggling with pornography and the couple trying to find answers for their children who have left the faith.  Love requires actually entering into and caring about people instead of sitting on a high horse of purity and holiness.  Christ doesn't tell us that we exhibit discipleship by our standards - he tells us we exhibit discipleship by our love. And I'll be the first to admit, I am short on love.  I am tired of trying to toe the line of spirituality while others think I'm too good a Christian to befriend or love them.  Do you want to know something else?  I can't even love people on my own.  I can add it to my list up above and yet still fail, time and time again.  Do you honestly think it's possible for a heart that is 'deceitful above all things and desperately wicked" (Jeremiah 17:9) to love others as Christ loved them?  It's laughable.  I can't even love others without the help of the Holy Spirit.  Funny that the first fruit of the Spirit listed in Galatians is love.  Notice it doesn't say the fruit of Heather....but the fruit of the spirit.  I can't manufacture love for others, no matter how hard I try.  It is something that the Holy Spirit produces in my life as I rest in Christ and trust that he will bring those traits to fruition in my life.

So, for someone who has relied on a list of do/dont's to define her Christianity, what's to be done?  Ask for God's forgiveness for the self-righteous and prideful spirit.  Pray that He will produce the spirit of love in my life and give me opportunities to show that love to others.  I have a feeling that this love is not going to always be convenient, that it'll sometimes be painful or embarrassing, that I might have to do some loving confronting or learn to keep my big mouth shut.  I know that it'll require a mind and heart shift that only God can provide.  Following a list to define my Christianity is something that I can do very well.  Loving as Christ loved?  That is scary and exhilirating and completely beyond my human abilities.  And yet, if I want to be known as a Christian and a true disciple of Christ, I can do nothing else but let Christ's love shine through me and do my best to just get out of the way.