Winter (?) doldrums.....and Love (!)

Notice the question mark after "winter" in my title.  It's January, which for me is one of the most boring months of the year - fitting somewhere between holidays and starting the kid's spring activities. This month usually means cold temps, but not so here in Georgia.  We will hit 75+ degrees again this week.  I've worn a coat twice this "winter" and usually wear just a cardigan to ward off the cold (if you can call it that).  Boring!!!  If it's going to be in the 70's all the time, I might as well have never packed away my summer wardrobe.  So, I call this the "winter of 2012/2013" and put it within appropriate quotation marks, because so far it's hardly been winter at all.  Complaining over now :-)

As for love, well Valentine's Day is coming (which is rarely celebrated in our house...yes, we're "those" people) but mostly I've been thinking about our duty of love in response to our last small group discussion.  I wrote a post a while back on my identity as a Christian being found in simply loving God and loving others.  We talked between ourselves last night in small group about how this is hard....much harder than simply following a set of rules in order to appear Christian.  Loving others is messy, makes us vulnerable, takes time and effort and requires patience.  You see, it's easy to avoid relationships and the inevitable mess that comes with them by being busy; being involved up to our eyeballs in work both within the church and without.  As you run from duty to duty, you're not required to get down to the nitty-gritty conversations that are usually part of a true, loving relationship.

We're a pretty tight-knit community of believers at our church.  Yet, as I look back on my interaction with folks yesterday morning at church I see a lot of quick "hellos" and "good mornings" - and not a lot of "So how are you doing since your husband has been out of town?" or "How is your mom in the hospital doing?" Those kinds of deeper questions would require something of me.  I might have to listen to a story of someone's loved one dying and then not have anything appropriate to say - so I avoid the messy conversation all together by smiling and hurrying on my way.  I might feel obligated to step outside my busy schedule and actually do something for a wife struggling with her children while her husband is deployed - so I avoid asking how she's doing for fear of feeling guilty that I'm not willing to add her problems to my already busy schedule.

It hits closer to home when I consider how this plays out in my relationships within my family.  I'm not one for confrontation and avoid it at all costs.  But that means when I feel slighted by my husband in some way I may stew about it inside and never confront him about the hurt because it would lead to an awkward or "messy" conversation.  I'm getting better at this part of our relationship but it's taken over 10 years to take those first baby steps into the messy side of marital love.  Loving my children means getting my nose out of my latest book to train and teach and discipline.  This takes time and effort - and can often result in tears, drama and arguments that need to be addressed with dad - which takes more time and effort.  Sometimes I avoid the whole cycle and let their sinful behavior slide because it can just get too messy to deal with it properly.  In those instances, I am not truly loving my children; I am loving myself.

I feel like I'm just scratching the surface of the lack of love in my own life.  But the more I think about it, the more I realize that when I'm not showing love to my God and others, I am lavishing love on myself.  And that's the complete opposite of how we, as Christians, are supposed to live!  When I compare my refusal to go beyond the quick and convenient and get down to the nitty-gritty of loving others to Christ's "messy" love for me - demonstrated by his willingness to live among sinners, inhabit a dying body and die a horrible death in order to make me righteous - it makes me sad to realize the state of my selfish and depraved heart. 

This year, as Valentine's Day draws nearer, I want to focus less on cheesy cards and chocolate and try to love others as best I can....even if I have to leave my comfort zone, even if it requires my time and resources, and even if it results in me looking like a total fool.  Want to join me?